But the fighter still remains...

This is all I know.  I have cycled through the various stages of grief over the past few days (as evidenced by my last post).  On top of everything else, AF reared her nasty little red head tonight.  I suppose this is a good thing as some people can wait weeks for this and I guess this means we can get 'back' into another cycle...but it also feels like a swift punch to the stomach and an ugly reminder of the failure of IVF #2.

When I think back on my life, I don't know how to give up.  I've had a semi-charmed life with a lot of crap mixed in between...but through it all I've fought...hard and I've never given up.  Underneath my profile picture on Facebook there has always been one quote...'But the fighter still remains.'  Not because I'm a victim...but because no matter what happens I will always fight for what I want.  

And I will continue fighting for my baby. 

Mr. CI and I went to the mall on Sunday and despite the fact that we were both so out of it that we showed up 2 hours before it opened, we walked all throughout looking in the windows of all the stores.  There happened to be a 'Wall of Thanks' for people to write whatever they were thankful for.  I  sarcastically asked Mr. CI if he wanted to write on the wall...and his response was..."Yeah, thanks for nothing."

Despite this being completely untrue, it gave me an evil chuckle that felt good somewhere deep down where the hurt lives.  

When darkness comes and pain is all around...

I'm angry.  I'm so angry I can feel it seething into my skin.

I'm sad.  Every time I even think about the picture of our embies...what they could have been...I feel tears welling up in my eyes.

I'm tired.  I'm so exhausted after weeks and years of fighting...for nothing.

I'm heartbroken.  My heart sank when I heard the news...dropped so far I'm still trying to find it.  My heart broke when I had to tell my husband that it was negative.  He sent me an email digging for news with a smiley face...holding out with hope.  What a cruel fucking joke this is.

I'm confused.  I don't understand.  Why us?  Why this?  Why?  Why?  Why?

I'm doubting.  I believed, I prayed, I'm a good person.  I have faith...and now this feels like a betrayal.

I'm scared.  I'm scared how this will affect both of us.  How we will both get through this together and not grow apart.  I'm worried---will we ever have children of our own?

God--  Please help us understand.  Please give us a sign to let us know what we should do now...help me hold onto my faith when all I want to do is throw it away.

I find myself relying on moments when I'm driving in the car, sitting in the shower -- when I'm alone to break down and sob and scream...I'm questioning everything and I feel so, so lost.

I'm a fighter---and I will live to fight another day, another round...but I'm going to need some massive fucking strength to get through all this.

Everything put together, sooner or later falls apart...

According to my nurse, 'it is completely negative.' 

I'm devastated.

Yes, proof is the bottom line for everyone...

Tomorrow is the day.  My Beta test is at 8:15 am.  I'm taking the day off because either way it goes, I do NOT want to be at work.

I'm anxious, nervous, hopeful, scared and in love...in love with my embies---hoping they are getting big and strong.

Regardless of what happens tomorrow I know I will need my faith to get me through the days ahead and I do believe.

Mr. CI is working so I will wait until he is home to share the news with him.

I hope it's positive, I'm praying it's positive.

To those who have left comments and included us in their prayers---Thank you so much---I appreciate it more than you know and need it now more than ever.  Thank you.

Darling Embies:
Tomorrow is our defining moment.  This is the moment we begin the next journey together or alone.  I love you and my heart already belongs to you...

God---I believe in you and all your goodness...please believe in me.

Still crazy after all these years...

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.

I have been desperately searching for signs of symptoms.  I've been waiting for this feeling to wash over me...that I would just know.

On Monday night I broke down...hard.  I told Mr. CI I was concerned because I had an awful headache and I just didn't have a good feeling.  I sobbed and cried and prayed.

On Monday night before I went to bed, there was some spotting....very light.
On Tuesday morning...still spotting.
On Tuesday evening...still spotting.
On Wednesday morning...still spotting.
Tonight, Wednesday evening...still spotting.

It is not much and dark in nature...not much but still there.

I don't know what to think of this yet.  It's only been 22 days since I got my period--which seems VERY early for my period to be arriving.  However, spotting feels abnormal---so it worries me.

On Tuesday morning and into today I have just had this rush of emotion that things are going to work out and be okay.  I feel positive.

I took a HPT on Monday (negative) when I freaked out but I have not tested since then.  I'm going to wait for the Beta test on Friday and hope for the best.

For my Embies:
Stay strong---please continue to grow and develop into beautiful babies.  May God bless both of you and give you the opportunity for a life full of promise and possibility.  I love you.

God--I have faith in you and believe you have a path for us to walk; please bless us with these miracles. 

I do it for your love...

Darling Embies:

I'm waiting, searching and wanting to feel signs that you are growing and developing but I really can't feel anything.  I pray for you both every moment that I have free to think.  The fertility center called me on Friday to tell me that none of the other embryos in the lab made it to freezing.  That made me very sad.

I'm scared because at this point in time you have either implanted and are growing...or not.  It's just too early to confirm either way.  I'm nervous because on Friday I'll know for sure either way.  I'm excited to think I could have two babies growing inside.  I pray for your health.  I pray for blessings for you both and for us.  For this miracle of life.

I've already envisioned our life together but I can't shake this feeling that not feeling anything, is bad.  I can't get too hopeful because for some reason my heart won't let me.  I can't help worrying that because of this, that means that the outcome will be negative.

I'm hopeful and praying and loving you more each day.  Please stay strong.

Me

Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way...

Dearest Embies:

I hope you are growing and developing and implanting.  I've really been trying hard to remain calm and welcome you to your temporary home.  I stare at your picture and wonder what you are doing, I worry over whether everything is alright and I've already surrendered myself to both of you, utterly and eternally.

We think about you all the time and pray for you both constantly.  We want you to have every opportunity in the world and we already love you unconditionally.  Please stay strong and grow for us.  I love both of you, I love talking to you and I love thinking about you all the time.

God bless you both and keep you healthy and strong.

Love,

Me