Conceiving Insanity

Secret Post for a Secret Blog...Sue Me

2010-12-15T23:20:00.001-05:00

My family and friends don't know about this blog...my choice not to share it with them. It wasn't ever my intention for anyone to read this blog. It was meant for me to have an outlet to share my journey through infertility.

You can still choose not to read this blog.

I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately. I don't think it's post-partum depression...although maybe it is. I'm not depressed per se. I'm having completely irrational thoughts. The babies were born in just about the most traumatic way possible. Basically Ellie's heart rate dropped from 150 to 70 and they rushed me into the OR at 9:21pm on a Saturday, threw an oxygen mask on me and delivered my babies 22 minutes later. Words will never be able to fully describe what it felt like, what I went through when I heard her heart garbling on the monitor, when the realization sunk in that something was wrong with her, asking for someone to call my husband, trying to remember to breathe, praying for God to take care of my babies, racing into the OR, hearing all the preparation around me with strange faces telling me that things would be alright and then hearing something about the number 100 and then 'it's a go' and all of a sudden there was an awful pain in my arm from the IV and the oxygen mask knocked me out. I woke up in the recovery room and was told, 'your husband is with the babies and they are in the NICU.' My husband's first words, 'Baby C is small.' How small I asked? '1 pound, 15 ounces.'

I thought my Baby C was going to die. The Dr. insinuated afterwards that had she gone into distress while NOT being on the monitor, I may have twins right now instead of triplets. We knew that Baby C would be small, we knew she would likely go into distress but nothing ever prepares you for that.

I still have moments today, four months later, where that fear and anxiety comes upon me like a tsunami...it washes over me and through me and I relive that night over and over until it hurts so much. The night wasn't all that bad....it brought me three beautiful girls.

I have moments now where I'm overcome with emotion because I know how blessed we have been with three healthy little girls. I spent the entire part of my pregnancy afraid that something would happen and I don't pretend that one little thing could have changed my entire universe. There are moments when I think I might burst with how grateful I am to God for what we have been given. It's these moments that make me think that a year ago I was questioning my faith and wondering if we would ever have one child of our own and now I have three. I never thought I could love something so much, but I can and when I think I don't have any love left...there is more. People wonder how I do it and it's because this is what I dreamed of, prayed for and how could I ever not be grateful for these amazing babies, even when it's 1am and they are all screaming their adorable little heads off---even then I am grateful and in awe of these miracles. I use to imagine what my baby's cry would sound like, then I wondered if I would ever hear it and now it's a reminder of all that is good.

I have moments where I live in fear. Fear that something might happen, fear that these girls will have to face tough times and pain and sadness. We hired a night nanny to come three nights a week and I actually had thoughts that she might try to steal the babies...a la Raising Arizona...you know--we have too many babies. I knew they were irrational but I still had them. I still have them. She watched the girls one night while we went out to dinner and I actually thought about locking my van door and taking the car keys so she couldn't get their carseats out to steal them. Last night she asked if she could go out in the morning and start her car to defrost and I actually thought to myself, 'is she trying to get into my good graces so that she can steal the kids? Is this a test to see if we turn the alarm on at night?.' I know it's crazy talk and I can recognize it as so...but I still have them. Mr. CI thinks I might have a case of PTSD. Perhaps. Perhaps I am crazy....

My cup runs over...my heart is melting.

2010-09-01T22:04:00.000-04:00

For anyone who actually reads this blog (is there really anyone out there anymore?) I thought I would let you know how my story ends...or where it now begins. September 4th, 2007 my husband and I decided we were going to 'try' to get pregnant. Two years, 11 months and 3 days later---I am a mother. The road to becoming a mother is different for everyone. Your path is yours and mine is mine. I never imagined my life without children of my own. I was born to be a mother. Who knows why it 'worked' for me...while it hasn't worked for so many others---I'm not special, not different, not an angel. It wasn't until I found peace with the fact that I would be a mother one way or another (via adoption, donor egg, etc.) that I found out I was pregnant with a child that was mine and my husbands.

Now that my pregnancy is over, I mourn it. I miss more than ever feeling those little babies moving around, reminding me that they exist, giving me faith and hope. In all my life, this will be the best feeling that I've ever had.

I wish I hadn't gone through the majority of my pregnancy in fear. Fear that I would lose the babies, fear that if I lost them I would have to start all over again, fear that I might be one of those stories of sadness and loss. I didn't let myself get attached to my babies until I was admitted to the hospital at 28 weeks. Sadly, I knew that 28 weeks gave my triplets an 80% chance of survival---meaning that they could live. I spent 3 weeks and 4 days in the hospital on bed rest fighting to keep my babies inside. I spent almost every moment in the hospital lying on my left side to get my Baby C more blood flow...and praying. I've never prayed more in my entire life and I still lived in fear. Fear that Baby C might not make it.

I know I am blessed. I've been blessed beyond my wildest imagination. I don't feel like I can ever ask God for anything else, now that I've been blessed with these amazing little babies. I get overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude. I've even felt guilty that I've been given so much while I know others who suffer still now. I will never be able to get over the fact that we have been blessed with a family of our own.

My girls are my life. They mean everything to me. I look at them and none of our fertility pain matters anymore. I look at them and can't believe that once upon a time these babies were teeny tiny microscopic embryos. I look at them and think back to the day we heard three heartbeats and were told that a triplet pregnancy is 'too risky' and that we should consider reducing the pregnancy to two or one babies. I look at them and think that I wish every woman who wants to be a mom can feel this and more. I look at them and think, how could I ever want anything else besides health and happiness for them.

I pray every night for women who have been on this same journey.

My fertility journey ends here...but my life is just beginning.

Everything About it is a Love Song...

2010-06-07T20:24:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I've posted on this blog as I started a new blog to follow my pregnancy. Many of my friends, family and co-workers read my pregnancy blog and I didn't care to share with them my conceiving insanity blog for multiple reasons. I've purposely chosen to keep the Conceiving Insanity blog anonymous as our journey TTC has been one of pain, heartbreak and ultimately great joy. This was my journey and one that I don't care to ever truly share with those I know.

If you want to follow my pregnancy, the blog address is www.weisenbergertriplets.blogspot.com .

I am currently 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant with triplet girls. Two of my babies are identical twins. All babies are doing well and growing bigger every day. I've been on home bed rest since 20 weeks (May 14th) and have adjusted to not doing much and taking care of these babies and myself.

We had a scare yesterday and spent the afternoon at the hospital with pain, cramping, pressure and some contractions. It was very scary. All is well and I must take it very easy. I need to get to 28 weeks for 80% chance of survival and in reality I really need to get to 32 weeks and beyond. I'm trying to keep myself from getting scared that something is going to happen.

My sole purpose right now is to bake healthy babies. We've come so far and it has taken so long to get here...we have three precious baby girls that we cannot wait to meet and love in person.

Jesus Loves You More Than You Will Know

2010-03-17T21:18:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a long time because my life has been insane...and no this is not a good excuse.

I will officially be 12 weeks pregnant on Friday. I'm excited to make it through the first trimester and I'm looking forward to having healthy babies but I'm nervous because we have a lot going on:

--we put our house on the market on 3/5 (which means we spent three weeks painting, carpeting, decluttering, packing and cleaning our house to prepare for this).
--Our dog has been diagnosed with epilepsy. :( Watching a defenseless animal have seizures that could bring the hardest person to tears is one of the worse things I've had to go through. She started Phenylbarbitol on Saturday and while the side effects suck, hopefully it will keep her from having another seizure.
--All three babies are doing well and making me sicker than shit. No--I'm not complaining because any woman experiencing fertility issues would give her right arm to be 'sick' from pregnancy. However, I'm just saying, I've been really sick.
--Work has been crazy.

I found out that I MUST go on mandatory bed rest at 20 weeks which is May 14th. Most people would be ecstatic to sit around and do whatever you want or nothing at all---but it doesn't really sound that great. I'd hang upside down for 15 weeks to have healthy babies---so I will do what I must.

We have identical twins sharing a placenta---so we must watch out for Twin-to-Twin-Transfusion-Syndrome where one twin is huge and the other is a runt (not sharing equally) and then I have a fraternal sibling taking up as much space as he/she wants.

I've heard, read and been told all about the risks we are facing. I've been told twice to consider Selective Reduction (to reduce the pregnancy to two vs. three) but that has never been an option for us. Did I ever think we would be expecting triplets? No. In December I was told I may never have my own children, I put back two embryos before and got nothing. So, three was unexpected. You already feel like you're playing 'god' a bit to do IVF in the first place...but to even consider playing 'god' and choosing who can live and who cannot is an impossible decision. At least for me.

IF I lose all three of these babies I can have peace that I have done everything I can to give them all a fair chance...and I could go back and do fertility treatments again. If I reduced this pregnancy and lost the other babies, I could never do fertility treatments again...as there is always a risk for multiples.

I feel blessed. I pray every night for a safe and healthy pregnancy and safe and healthy babies. I'm scared ( I can't lie) but I have faith that this is my purpose.

This journey never gets easier, even when you get what you want.

I fall on the floor and I'm laughing...

2010-02-08T20:43:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since I last posted. I purposely walked away from posting as I feel that by posting during my last cycle...I got in WAY over my head and was completely devastated when we had our negative outcome. Thus, I vowed to crawl back in myself and handle IVF cycle #3 on my own vs. publicly.

Here is a brief recap of IVF cycle #3:

Begin acupuncture in early December 2009 and continue weekly ( I believe with ALL of my heart that this works for so many reasons---I've never been more relaxed in my life).
Start Antagonist protocol shots on 12/29....period arrives on 12/29 as well.
E2 levels start off very low in cycle...so we extend stimulation shots. Looking at 6-9 possible eggs/follicles.
Egg Retrieval on January 8th...7 eggs retrieved...only 6 are mature enough to ICSI...of these only 5 are fertilized.
On Day 3 after fertilization we have 4 embryos graded 1.5 (with one being best), one embryo stopped developing.
On Day 4, we transferred 2 embryos back; I had acupuncture an hour after the transfer.
6dp4dt I take a HPT = negative and start spotting (same thing happened last cycle)
7dp4dt spotting continues and I take another HPT so I can start preparing myself for the worst vs. being shocked...but am shocked = + HPT
My 1st Beta was on 10dp4dt = 208 which is good!
My 2nd Beta was on 12dp4dt = 441 which is good!
My 1st ultrasound at 5 weeks shows two babies!!! (Shock sets in but we are elated)
My 2nd ultrasound at 6 weeks we hear the heartbeats...and find out...there are three babies!!! (cue shock)

We are expecting triplets!!!

There is a pair of identical twins and a fraternal sibling in there. We heard all three heartbeats---it was amazing. However, I'm scared shitless. We go back on Thursday for another check and to talk 'options' but there aren't any options in my opinion.

I know this information will be hard to bear for those who are still trying to conceive. I am truly sorry for that.

Two months ago I was told to consider a donor egg...now I am pregnant with three children of my own. I don't know what lies in store for us but I'm praying for health and safety as I know we have a LONG road ahead of us.

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year's going to be better than the last...

2009-12-31T16:34:00.001-05:00

2009 comes to an end...another year of infertility...still a hole in my heart.

I suppose I should be excited about 2010...perhaps this is our year. The year we become a 'more than two person + one dog' family. Maybe I should bid good riddance to 2009 and welcome 2010 into my arms not with fear and skepticism but with eager delight.

I started injections for IVF #3 on Monday evening...my period came on Tuesday and today my E2 level is still low :( The Dr. has instructed we continue with shots and return on Saturday for bloodwork only. Here's praying that my E2 levels skyrocket between now and Saturday.

I've prayed for a sign of what path we should travel to become parents and I'm not certain that I've found my answer yet. I have not given up hope for having a child of our own. I'm doing everything I can this round (eating healthy, acupuncture, hope, faith) and holding out for a miracle.

So with this breath I bid 2009 farewell and embrace 2010 with all the promise and possibility it can hold.

I'm on my way; taking my time but I don't know where...

2009-12-21T19:33:00.000-05:00

My last BCP is on 12/23. Then I'm waiting for my period to show up or by the 26th I will call and begin shots shortly thereafter.

My heart is heavy now that Christmas is upon me. I'm sad that another year has come and gone without a baby. One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is that everything is measured by time. Time between rounds; time between each interval; time in the future that you think will be changed by a baby...only to find that the future is the present and your arms are still empty.

I believe that I will have children of my own.

Acupuncture has been relaxing and if nothing more has done a great job at reducing stress. I look forward to these moments and often spend my session imagining myself pregnant; imagining a baby in our lives.

I continue to have hope and faith. God has a plan for us and I'm hopeful that this round will bring a positive to us.

I need to know will you be my sorrow and my joy...

2009-12-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

I went to Dr. last week for a consultation to talk through the last round of IVF and to discuss the next round. I've waited to update about this because it hurts to think about and by typing it, it makes it even more real.

The Dr. told us that we may now have two problems---male factor and poor quality eggs. Basically, the Dr. said that because I am a poor responder to stimulation and because of the fact that only three of our embryos were 'good quality' he thinks I may have some egg issues. He said three times, yes three that the only reason he would continue with a new cycle is because of the three good embryos that we had...the only reason. And he used a word I never thought I would ever hear...donor egg.

My heart still drops and I have this weird anxiety feeling when I think of the conversation. It doesn't make sense that I can't ever have children of my own. I had 3 great embryos...if I had none then I could maybe understand his concern but we did have good quality embryos. I cannot give up hope yet. I'm not ready to.

If this round doesn't work then we will go to a new doctor for a second opinion. I cannot give up now. I told Mr. CI that I can't even think about a donor egg at this time...I can't resign myself to not having my own children.

I cannot get 'too' down or devastated but this did come as a shock. I start my next round of shots between Christmas and NYE...I'm hoping and praying that I have success with this. I'm really scared.

Don't ask me the reason, God only knows why...

2009-11-30T21:16:00.000-05:00

It's been a week since I last posted because I haven't felt like thinking about this stuff. It was hard enough to go through Thanksgiving without feeling sad or full of questions and I have to admit, there's a comforting lull...the quiet before the storm.

I started my period last Tuesday (11/24) and subsequently started BCP on this day as well. Mr. CI and I have a 'follow-up' appt. with my doctor this Friday to 'debrief' the last round and discuss out next round of treatment. As of right now...it looks like we will start shots around the middle/end of December aiming for a retrieval in early January.

Part of me is excited because this is very soon...part of me is sad to have to do this all over again. In honor of Thanksgiving, being sad and looking for hope...I decided to pull together my Top Ten list of things to be thankful for...

1. Mr. CI: truly the love of my life and my rock; without him my life and heart would be empty.
2. My Faith: this is what keeps me moving forward when I don't think I can.
3. My Family: this is why I am who I am and why I continue fighting for a family of my own.
4. Our Jobs: this is what allows us to continue to fight and gives us the security to the next round.
5. Our Health: despite the obvious, we are relatively healthy.
6. Quiet Moments: moments when I can sit and stare at nothing and get lost in thought and dreams.
7. Our Basset Hound: when I was sobbing last week she burrowed herself next to me and laid her head on my shoulder...my heart melt.
8. My Determination: some label it stubbornness but I like to think of it as will. The will to never give on.
9. My Hope: sometimes when I close my eyes I can feel my baby cradling close to my heart.
10. My Patience: I believe this will happen...someday

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

But the fighter still remains...

2009-11-23T20:22:00.001-05:00

This is all I know. I have cycled through the various stages of grief over the past few days (as evidenced by my last post). On top of everything else, AF reared her nasty little red head tonight. I suppose this is a good thing as some people can wait weeks for this and I guess this means we can get 'back' into another cycle...but it also feels like a swift punch to the stomach and an ugly reminder of the failure of IVF #2.

When I think back on my life, I don't know how to give up. I've had a semi-charmed life with a lot of crap mixed in between...but through it all I've fought...hard and I've never given up. Underneath my profile picture on Facebook there has always been one quote...'But the fighter still remains.' Not because I'm a victim...but because no matter what happens I will always fight for what I want.

And I will continue fighting for my baby.

Mr. CI and I went to the mall on Sunday and despite the fact that we were both so out of it that we showed up 2 hours before it opened, we walked all throughout looking in the windows of all the stores. There happened to be a 'Wall of Thanks' for people to write whatever they were thankful for. I sarcastically asked Mr. CI if he wanted to write on the wall...and his response was..."Yeah, thanks for nothing."

Despite this being completely untrue, it gave me an evil chuckle that felt good somewhere deep down where the hurt lives.

When darkness comes and pain is all around...

2009-11-21T21:16:00.001-05:00

I'm angry. I'm so angry I can feel it seething into my skin.

I'm sad. Every time I even think about the picture of our embies...what they could have been...I feel tears welling up in my eyes.

I'm tired. I'm so exhausted after weeks and years of fighting...for nothing.

I'm heartbroken. My heart sank when I heard the news...dropped so far I'm still trying to find it. My heart broke when I had to tell my husband that it was negative. He sent me an email digging for news with a smiley face...holding out with hope. What a cruel fucking joke this is.

I'm confused. I don't understand. Why us? Why this? Why? Why? Why?

I'm doubting. I believed, I prayed, I'm a good person. I have faith...and now this feels like a betrayal.

I'm scared. I'm scared how this will affect both of us. How we will both get through this together and not grow apart. I'm worried---will we ever have children of our own?

God-- Please help us understand. Please give us a sign to let us know what we should do now...help me hold onto my faith when all I want to do is throw it away.

I find myself relying on moments when I'm driving in the car, sitting in the shower -- when I'm alone to break down and sob and scream...I'm questioning everything and I feel so, so lost.

I'm a fighter---and I will live to fight another day, another round...but I'm going to need some massive fucking strength to get through all this.

Everything put together, sooner or later falls apart...

2009-11-20T15:30:00.002-05:00

According to my nurse, 'it is completely negative.'

I'm devastated.

Yes, proof is the bottom line for everyone...

2009-11-19T21:41:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the day. My Beta test is at 8:15 am. I'm taking the day off because either way it goes, I do NOT want to be at work.

I'm anxious, nervous, hopeful, scared and in love...in love with my embies---hoping they are getting big and strong.

Regardless of what happens tomorrow I know I will need my faith to get me through the days ahead and I do believe.

Mr. CI is working so I will wait until he is home to share the news with him.

I hope it's positive, I'm praying it's positive.

To those who have left comments and included us in their prayers---Thank you so much---I appreciate it more than you know and need it now more than ever. Thank you.

Darling Embies:
Tomorrow is our defining moment. This is the moment we begin the next journey together or alone. I love you and my heart already belongs to you...

God---I believe in you and all your goodness...please believe in me.

Still crazy after all these years...

2009-11-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.

I have been desperately searching for signs of symptoms. I've been waiting for this feeling to wash over me...that I would just know.

On Monday night I broke down...hard. I told Mr. CI I was concerned because I had an awful headache and I just didn't have a good feeling. I sobbed and cried and prayed.

On Monday night before I went to bed, there was some spotting....very light.
On Tuesday morning...still spotting.
On Tuesday evening...still spotting.
On Wednesday morning...still spotting.
Tonight, Wednesday evening...still spotting.

It is not much and dark in nature...not much but still there.

I don't know what to think of this yet. It's only been 22 days since I got my period--which seems VERY early for my period to be arriving. However, spotting feels abnormal---so it worries me.

On Tuesday morning and into today I have just had this rush of emotion that things are going to work out and be okay. I feel positive.

I took a HPT on Monday (negative) when I freaked out but I have not tested since then. I'm going to wait for the Beta test on Friday and hope for the best.

For my Embies:
Stay strong---please continue to grow and develop into beautiful babies. May God bless both of you and give you the opportunity for a life full of promise and possibility. I love you.

God--I have faith in you and believe you have a path for us to walk; please bless us with these miracles.

I do it for your love...

2009-11-15T20:18:00.000-05:00

Darling Embies:

I'm waiting, searching and wanting to feel signs that you are growing and developing but I really can't feel anything. I pray for you both every moment that I have free to think. The fertility center called me on Friday to tell me that none of the other embryos in the lab made it to freezing. That made me very sad.

I'm scared because at this point in time you have either implanted and are growing...or not. It's just too early to confirm either way. I'm nervous because on Friday I'll know for sure either way. I'm excited to think I could have two babies growing inside. I pray for your health. I pray for blessings for you both and for us. For this miracle of life.

I've already envisioned our life together but I can't shake this feeling that not feeling anything, is bad. I can't get too hopeful because for some reason my heart won't let me. I can't help worrying that because of this, that means that the outcome will be negative.

I'm hopeful and praying and loving you more each day. Please stay strong.

Me

Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way...

2009-11-12T21:15:00.000-05:00

Dearest Embies:

I hope you are growing and developing and implanting. I've really been trying hard to remain calm and welcome you to your temporary home. I stare at your picture and wonder what you are doing, I worry over whether everything is alright and I've already surrendered myself to both of you, utterly and eternally.

We think about you all the time and pray for you both constantly. We want you to have every opportunity in the world and we already love you unconditionally. Please stay strong and grow for us. I love both of you, I love talking to you and I love thinking about you all the time.

God bless you both and keep you healthy and strong.

Love,

Me

Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile...

2009-11-10T21:04:00.000-05:00

Transfer Day!!!

This morning Mr. CI and I went to the Fertility Center for our transfer. I had to go with a full bladder (4 bottles of water chugged this AM) which was rather uncomfortable....but...we saw our babies!!!!

These beautiful babies are the actual photos you are seeing within this blog.

My beautiful babies I have so much hope for you...we have fought so hard to have you here and you have come such a long way. You have every opportunity, promise and possibility ahead of you and I have hope. I'm doing my best to take excellent care of both of you and praying that you continue to grow and develop and implant. I've loved you since I first imagined you could be in my life and I fall in love with you over again every second. I find myself staring incessantly at your first 'photograph' wondering how you are doing, wondering who you might be, praying you get this chance. This is no longer about me , it's about you...both of you.

We have four embryos still growing in the lab and I'm also praying to these four babies--grow big and strong---I love you and have a place for each of you in my heart and life.

Maybe I'm crazy but my Beta test is one week from Friday on 11/20 and for now, I'm going to relish being 'pregnant' with prayers abundant for the futures of all my babies.

The mother and child reunion is only a motion away...

2009-11-09T21:23:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is TRANSFER DAY!!!

I did not get a call from the BFC yesterday which had Mr. CI and I on pins and needles all day waiting for the phone to ring. Not getting a call was a good sign---our 6 babies were growing strong and dividing. We were nervously happy and praying for their continued development.

This morning, I did get a call from the BFC. They had grades for our embryos as follows with 1 being the best:

One Grade 1 --- 8 cell embryo
Two Grade 1.5 embryos: 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell
Three Grade 3.0 embryos

Because we have 50% that look good, the Dr. wants us to go ahead and transfer back tomorrow. Thus, we are going in tomorrow morning with a full bladder to have two beautiful embryos transferred back to me.

I am so excited, I am so nervous and I'm sad.

I'm excited because we have come so far and this is it.

I am nervous because this is it.

I'm sad because we are losing some of our babies--they are not developing as quickly as they should.

I'm praying for all 6 of our embryos, for all those that are taking care of our embryos and for us to have success with this. After tomorrow, we don't go back to the Dr. until 11/20 for our Beta test. Wow--tomorrow I will have two babies transferred back to my uterus--unofficially, I will be pregnant and in my mind, I'm now 'mother.' Please let this work for us.

Was a sunny day, not a cloud was in the sky...

2009-11-07T19:47:00.001-05:00

Today is Day 1 post egg retrieval. Here are our current numbers:

12 eggs retrieved
9 eggs retrieved were mature and ICSI'd
6 eggs fertilized

I'm hoping and praying our 6 embryos continue to grow and divide as they are supposed to. It's a weird feeling because I have always believed life begins at conception...and so I guess if I think about it this way, we have 6 babies.

I'm trying not to get to over zealous as we still have several hurdles to overcome. Several big hurdles. However, we've come so far and I feel good about our journey and have faith in where we can go. I'm excited, happy and above all nervous.

Today was my first PIO injection...it didn't hurt to bad but when Mr. CI removed the needle, it bled...a lot. YUCK. I hope the future shots will bode better for us. Today, I'm still sore and tired and hoping my embryos grow and develop as they should. Please let this be happening and please let this work for us. Please.

And the sky is flecked with signs of hope...

2009-11-06T20:51:00.001-05:00

RETRIEVAL DAY!!!!

We have....(drumroll please)...12 eggs!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWELVE EGGS!!!!

Overall, everything went relatively well. We showed up at the center at 7:45am for our procedure. They took me back, had me change into a gown and then started my IV. Despite years of hiding my actual weight from Mr. CI---today he heard it...oh well.

The nurse that did my IV gave me a shot of lidocaine prior to putting the IV in. Apparently she is self diagnosed as 'messy' and while it didn't hurt...there was blood...everywhere. I didn't even look but saw blood soaked towels and gauze pads and felt the nurse 'cleaning me off.' YUCK!!!

I gave Mr. CI a kiss and then the drugs started taking affect and they wheeled me into the OR and next thing I know---I woke up in the recovery area.

I only had slight cramping and spotting but my first question was, how many eggs did they get. Apparently some of them were smaller but they still got more than we thought---which is great news.

Poor Mr. CI had anxiety over his performance...and couldn't perform. He was so stressed about it that it was consuming him when he came into recovery...so of course my blood pressure started sky rocketing. It all ended up with me going to the lab with Mr. CI and 'helping him' achieve what needed to be done. The whole time all I could think was 'don't pass out' but I couldn't show him how badly I felt because we needed to calm him down and get the job done.

All in all---Mr. CI's sample was great and our ICSI was performed this afternoon. We will get a call tomorrow before noon to tell us how many eggs fertilized.

Here's to hoping and praying we have fertilized eggs in the morning. Oh and I start PIO injections in the morning---yuck---but I'll do what needs to happen.

Praying that everything continues to go well and succeed for us. I'm tired and sore---slept most of the day and going back to bed soon.

I'm gonna watch you shine, gonna watch you grow...

2009-11-04T20:58:00.001-05:00

We went back to the Dr. again today. The Dr. said we have 7 really great follicles and a few others that may have 'potential.' Mr. CI and I were ecstatic! This feels like great news.

Egg retrieval is set for Friday morning at 7:45am. We did our Novarel trigger shot tonight--the first intramuscular shot of the series---it went well but I was very nervous about it. I HATE IM shots. HATE, HATE, HATE them!!!!

Thanks for all your prayers, please keep us in them...if you don't mind. :)

I always thought that TTC as a journey is so much like a roller coaster...but it's nothing compared to the roller coaster ride that IVF has to offer. With every step there is another 'gate' that needs to be passed or overcome...with each step you become more invested and with each step failure becomes a bigger fear. Last cycle when we were cancelled mid-way through stimulation shots, I was devastated. But, I can only glimpse at the devastation, cancellation or 'negative' could be if this doesn't work out. I'm trying to stay positive and will push to remain so but each step still keeps me relaxing with deep breaths and each hurdle makes way for another. Mr. CI equated this to the fact that this wouldn't end should we become parents but somehow that feels different.

Who knows.

I'm grateful, hopeful and fearful. Nerves suck.

How the heart approaches what it yearns...

2009-11-02T20:00:00.001-05:00

I suppose today is day 10---although I haven't really thought much about number of days. I'm more focused on number of follicles; number of estradiol; praying every moment I can.

Today---I went (again) for bloodwork and an ultrasound. My estradiol level is at 290---which is apparently good although I cannot find anything on the internet to support that....but I'm not going to discount what my Dr. said. We went from 9 follicles on Saturday to 7-8 follicles today.

I immediately got sad when I heard we went down. I suppose this is just the way it is but I'm really hoping we stay where we are---have quality over quantity and have success. I'm praying over and over for this. If you are reading this, please say a prayer for me...for us.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow for more blood work and another ultrasound. As of today--I had to order one more day of stimulant medicine for tomorrow night and we were told that retrieval will most likely be on Friday. I'm thinking that all of this will most likely be confirmed tomorrow.

I'm excited, nervous, scared and constantly praying for this miracle; for this to be successful; to get over the next hump. Each point on this journey becomes a 'hump' to get over--and I'm praying we can go all the way and have this miracle.

I believe, I feel, I pray, I hope, I dream for, I pray, I long for, I pray...please bless us with this miracle. Please.

It took a little time, but you calmed me down...

2009-10-31T21:44:00.000-04:00

Today was the day...the last cycle was cancelled on this day.

My period stopped yesterday (thank goodness).

My bloodwork was at 29 on Wednesday and now it is at 139.

My ultrasound showed 9 (NINE) follicles!!!! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! My Dr. said that this is 'less than he would have hoped for from someone my age but that this was really good.' He said the chances of cancellation now are very small. He also said that he would like me to be on some additional days of stimulants...so it appears that my cycle will extend a few days. I will find this out on Monday.

I go back on Monday for blood work and an ultrasound again. I will get my updated schedule then and I will also order some additional medicine as well.

I cannot tell you how relieved I am right now. Mr. CI and I have been so nervous..we drove in silence holding hands this AM on the way to the fertility center. I've officially gotten further this cycle than last. We still have many more steps to get through. I've been praying every spare moment I have and will continue to do so. I'm so grateful that we've made it this far and really hope we make it all the way. I have faith and hope and fear. Please make this work, please make this work, please make this work, please make this work....this is and will be my mantra.

Still, when I think of the road we're traveling on; I wonder what's gone wrong.

2009-10-28T21:05:00.000-04:00

Today is day 5 of my cycle and day 3 of stimulation shots.

I went to the Dr. on Sunday for an ultrasound and blood work. My period never showed up but the Dr. wasn't worried about that. I got a call in the PM saying my numbers came back and we were good to go starting Lupron that evening. So, on Sunday night---I had my first Lupron shot.

On Monday and since then I have had a Lupron shot (20 units) in the AM and the PM along with a stimulant cocktail of 300 iu Gonal-F and 150 iu Menopur.

Last night after my shots, I started feeling really bad....and then my period arrived. :(

I went to the Dr. this morning for blood work and asked about my period. The nurse looked at my chart and said that my baseline numbers were very low...which was probably because my period hadn't arrived. She stated she thought that my numbers today would also be low because of this. I asked her if I should be concerned and she said, 'cross your fingers that you catch up.'

This afternoon the FC called and left a message that said, 'your bloodwork came back and Dr. X wants you to continue with your protocol and come in for bloodwork and an ultrasound on Saturday which it looks like Cindy already scheduled for you. See you then.' Because I'm a freak about all of this shit...I of course called back to inquire about my period and whether that would be a concern. The nurse told me that my number was lower than they would have hoped; that there is nothing I can do about the bleeding; that the bleeding should stop because of the medicine I'm on and to not stress over it.

Of course because last cycle was cancelled (I was over-surpressed and under stimulated) I'm freaking out. I'm trying to convince myself it's still early and that I have a fighting chance with this but it's hard. Mr. CI is also trying not to be down but I see it also making him sad.

I'm going to pray extra hard for this to work. I can't do all this for nothing, again.

And I said yeah, maybe I think too much...

2009-10-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

I haven't written much because I haven't felt the desire to and I haven't had that much to say.

I took my last BCP on 10/21 and had my first U/S and bloodwork done today. My period has not shown up, yet. The ultrasound looked good and I will get a call later today about the bloodwork with 'hopefully' the go-ahead to begin injections tonight.

Assuming all is a go--I get my first injection of Low Dose Lupron (LDL) tonight and then for the next 8 or so days I will get a LDL shot every morning and every evening and then also stimulant shot in the evening as well. My next appointment is on 10/28 for bloodwork only.

I hate giving blood. I hate needles. I hate shots. I think I hate the shots more than I hate the bloodwork. I hate it all. My one saving grace is this could work for us. This is what will get me through the anxiety, the stress, the nerves and the fear. I've been praying extra hard (if that's even possible) for a miracle...for this.

It's almost surreal this time...since last cycle was cancelled I can feel myself taking this one small step at a time...just in case.

She is like a top; She cannot stop; She moves on...

2009-10-08T22:01:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow I finish the first pack of BCP pills in cycle #2. I have 1.5 rows left to go in a new pack before I stop on 10/21 to wait for my period to start.

I ordered my medication today...Low Dose Lupron; Gonal F; Menopur; Novarel...all to go with my unused Medrol and Progesterone from the last failed cycle. It will arrive on Saturday. The $ damage will be ascertained tomorrow.

This is now starting to impact my job...which doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but is hard for me to adjust to. I work for a CPG company and am specifically in a Global role...I'm being faced with the need to go to Canada and Asia in the next few months and having to tell my manager (and one up) and a few business partners that I cannot travel. Period. No excuses..no explanations. This of course is a stressful issue on top of another stressful issue. I'm working through it but it still sucks to be a 'rock star' but perform at parity because of personal reasons.

I'm full of thoughts and not entirely sure how to articulate them here. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm skeptical, I'm tired. I want this to work. It must work. What if it doesn't work? What if I get even further this time and it doesn't work? The feelings from the last cycle are starting to come back...I somehow forgot them for a few weeks...but now that it's approaching I'm starting to have needle anxiety again.

I mentioned before how we were asked to be godparents. I can't tell you how touched and honored I am by this. More than I can ever express. I'm a bit ashamed that as I walked out of the hospital with Mr. CI I started sobbing and couldn't differentiate between being overwhelmed with honor and being sad because part of me was thinking: is this the closest thing I will ever become to being a 'mother?'

I'm definitely spinning like a top, into another cycle, moving on with hope I'm mustering up somehow.

And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains...

2009-09-26T20:54:00.003-04:00

Who knows what day today is...because it doesn't really matter...because I am on BCP again. I got my new treatment plan...it goes a little something like this:

9/19/09: Day 1--start BCP

10/21/09: Last day of BCP

Call with day one of menses or if no menses by 10/24/09. Depending upon when my menses arrives I will be either on Plan A or Plan B...the only difference is a day so instead of being redundant I will just delineate Plan A here.

10/24/09 start Low Dose Lupron (LDL) 20U in PM---blood work and ultrasound.

10/25/09 - 11/1/09 continue LDL and also give stimulation medicine (300IU of Gonal F and 2 vials of Menopur) with a smattering of blood work and ultrasounds.

11/4/09: 'Egg Retrieval'

I'm not going any further than this and I'm purposefully less detailed than last cycle because I'm not going to fool myself into thinking everything works out how I want it to.

Right now I am focused on staying healthy and preparing my body for another round of IVF. Mr. CI is working on ways to increase count, motility and morphology...

I had a dream we had a baby last night, a girl. We want this so much.

I am a God Mother...

2009-09-23T22:03:00.001-04:00

Our friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl tonight...and they asked Mr. CI and I to be her godparents. I have never been so touched and honored in my life.

Heaven holds a place for those who pray...

2009-09-18T21:32:00.003-04:00

Today is day 24...and my period has arrived...4 days early.

I guess this is a positive...hopefully we can start IVF cycle #2 sooner vs. later. Part of me is nervous because i clearly don't want to do this again. Part of me wants to dive head in and get a step closer to a baby of our own.

I came home from work yesterday and noticed some spotting...I immediately fell to my knees and prayed to God to make this implantation bleeding...prayed for a miracle...pleaded for my miracle. Only to find out today...nothing came from what I went through, have gone through.

September 4th came and went and I didn't have the heart to mention...that was our 2 year anniversary...not for marriage..for trying to conceive. We have officially been TTC for over 2 years now...with nothing to show but broken hearts, less optimistic spirits and a dwindling bank account.

I left a message at my fertility center tonight...and we'll see what my next steps are tomorrow. Tonight I will pray for peace, for strength and for a miracle that I'm holding out for.

Everything put together, sooner or later falls apart...

2009-09-16T21:05:00.003-04:00

So, here I am playing the waiting game, again. I tested last night (of course it was negative) and have about a week until my period should show. Part of me wants to 'get back on the IVF stuff' ASAP, part of me is praying for some miracle with the IUIs and part of me just wants to throw in the towel. Of course the first option is probably the only one that matters anymore.

In honor of my current status, I thought I would present the Top 10 things I wish I would have known regarding infertility: (really this is off the top of my head so may not be 'true top 10)

10. Infertility is more common than you think...affecting about 20% of us. It is just one of those subjects like miscarriage and marital problems that people don't discuss.

9. If after 6 months of TTC you are still not pregnant, go seek out a Reproductive Specialist for analysis and potential treatment. Do not prolong the inevitable!

8. Realizing you are 'dealing with infertility' is a very hard thing to accept. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can treat it.

7. Once you realize that TTC is difficult, you will see babies and pregnant women everywhere you look. They were always there, but now they are more 'relevant' and you are more sensitive. Be happy for them.

6. Pregnancy is a true miracle. There is no explanation why your single friend on the pill got pregnant while you who track ovulation, cervical mucus and lie for 20 minutes after intercourse with your hips in the air cannot...remind yourself that it is a miracle.

5. Infertility is hard. It is emotionally painful, physically painful, monetarily painful and unfortunately...it doesn't get any easier...unless you get pregnant. The best thing you can do is find a way to vent, support each other and above all have other things to enjoy and live for besides the idea of getting pregnant...knowing that of course it is hard not to obsess over this.

4. Life is not fair. As stated above...women get pregnant all the time who don't want to be mothers or who do not take care of their children. You will hear over and over again how it's not fair that teenagers get pregnant while you who are stable, responsible and wanting so badly to become a parent, cannot.

3. Research is key. Read everything you can, research everything you don't understand and ask as many questions as you possibly can think of. The more you know, the more active you can be in your treatment and the higher chance of success.

2. Have a plan. Know how far you will go, how much you will spend and when you will stop. Assess your options and agree on your plan and options.

1. One IVF cycle can take a long time to complete. Just because your treatment plan is outlined on a piece of paper, doesn't mean that it can't easily be fucked up and you will have to start from scratch again. One IVF cycle can take months and maybe even a year to complete.

Infertility is a sad, dark cloud that looms overhead. Sometimes it rains but most of the time it pours. Sometimes you're the person without an umbrella in the middle of a shit storm watching every pregnant woman walk by unscathed. The world works in mysterious ways and this is one thing I will never understand.

But the fighter still remains...

2009-09-14T19:56:00.004-04:00

We ended up converting IVF #1 into IUI #5 and IUI #6 last week. Sounds great...but what about when you have about 2.5 million sperm with 49% motility??? Not so appealing or hopeful anymore.

Now that the Repronex is fully out of my system, I am starting to feel 'normal' again. I guess we are in the waiting game but I feel like it's less about seeing if there is a positive and more about counting down the days until we can begin IVF #2.

It's emotional, numbing, upsetting, alarming but there is absolutely nothing I can do...but wait.

I'm drained and really don't have much to say right now...bear with me....but I know there isn't anyone out there reading this anyway.

My life's so common it disappears...and sometimes even music cannot substitute for tears...

2009-09-07T20:33:00.004-04:00

Here is a recap of the past week of my life...

Basically, I've never felt worse in my whole life. I was exhausted, feverish, freezing, sore and in awful pain. My stomach was on fire--it hurt to move. The shots hurt, the aftereffects hurt and I just felt so ill. From the beginning I told the nurses and Dr. about this but was dismissed or told to buck up. It wasn't until I got the Repronex out of my system that I finally started feeling 'normal' again. I'm sad and angry. Did my bad reaction to the Repronex cause me to not stimulate? Could we have changed my medication last Monday to have had success? Where do we go from here? Will Mr. CI's numbers be better tomorrow? Will we have a miracle with the IUI? I'm trying to have hope for the IUI but this has been so hard to get through and with 4 failures in the past, it's so hard to find light in this. I'm praying for a miracle....and if you read this, please, please, please pray for a miracle for us. Help make this so it's not all this for nothing.

Monday

I went to the Dr. for bloodwork. I showed the nurse my 'welts' and she instructed me to put cold compresses on them. This day is a constant battle between feeling bad and feeling awful. I become exhausted and ill as the day goes on and leave work early to go home for a nap. The BFC (fertility center) calls me to tell me that my estrogen is around 65 and should be between 85-100. Therefore, the instruction is to continue with 300 units of Gonal-F and double my Repronex to 150 units. I hung up the phone and sobbed.

I sobbed because I didn't feel well, I sobbed because my numbers were low and I sobbed because I had to double up on the medication that I knew was making me feel so badly. I called my pharmacy to get some additional vials of Repronex and cried myself to sleep.

That night, I mixed together 4 vials of Gonal-F and 2 vials of Repronex and injected them into my stomach for injection # 3.

Tuesday & Wednesday

These days were more of the same. Not feeling well, trying to ice my abdomen every spare moment when I am not at work. It was on Tuesday that I figured out that every afternoon/evening I am riddled with a fever and chills....side effects of the Repronex no doubt. I paged the nurse on call both evenings to talk to her about my stomach welts---they are getting worse, redder, hot, hard and incredibly painful. I was advised to continue fighting through it as the Dr. wouldn't want to change my medicine at this point in time. I'm fighting to get pregnant, for a baby...I cry, I'm in pain, I've never felt worse in my life...but this can result in a baby...so I push on.

Thursday

I go to the Dr. for blood work and an ultrasound. I go in to give blood and tell the nurse how awful I feel and how I've had a fever every day...her response ---> you must be catching something...we're all fighting that here in the office. Complete fucking dismissal of me and what I'm saying. I've told every nurse at this time how awful I feel and how I never thought IVF would be this physically sickening...everyone dismisses me or tells me to buck up.

When I went in for the ultrasound, my Dr. came in...I asked him to look at my stomach to which he replied, "I'll have a nurse look at it." Then he proceeded to perform the ultrasound and remarked, 'you did not stimulate the way I had hoped...you only have 6 eggs...so we are canceling the retrieval and going to perform an IUI.' Then...he walked out. I was in shock. They put me in a room, had 4 different nurses look at my stomach...to which they concluded I should be putting hot compresses on it instead of cold (THANKS A FUCKING LOT) and declared that moving forward the shots should be performed intramuscularly.

The nurse gave me a tissue when I broke down and told me that basically they had suppressed me too much and I didn't respond to the stimulant well because of that...and so basically I have some dominant follicles instead of multiple that they would have liked. Thank you and goodbye.

I drove around for an hour after this crying, talking to Mr. CI (who was at work and shocked and upset) and then went to work for 45 minutes before going home to finish out the day there. I couldn't stop crying this day...everything I had gone through for nothing. And on top of everything, I still needed to finish the shots to ensure my eggs continued developing.

That night was my first IM shot...and it wasn't that bad....but it didn't matter.

Friday

My blood work came back and my estrogen level was around 343...which means my eggs (the ones I do have) are of good quality. YAHOO--I guess. Today my behind is so sore from the shot. I'm sad, tired and of course, feverish.

Tonight's IM shot was an absolute nightmare. I must have clenched my muscle as Mr. CI administered it and I screamed louder than I ever have before, felt pain worse than I've ever felt before and then blood gushed out for what seemed like an eternity. It was the worst thing that has ever happened...and again for nothing. I sobbed for about 30 minutes after this and of course paged the nurse on call again to make sure I wasn't dying.

Saturday

Blood work and ultrasound again...(why the bloodwork?? since it doesn't matter anymore). Dr. comes in and actually checks out my stomach welts---"if we do this again, we won't use Repronex since you're having a reaction to it" and tells me to stop Repronex altogether. I have 4 good eggs and we are doing an IUI on Tuesday morning. I have to take the Novarel HCG shot on Sunday night (yes, another IM shot). I can barely sit down because I'm so sore...I have an awful fever and nap in the afternoon and try to sleep for a few hours but end up shivering instead...again for nothing.

This night I mix the Gonal-F only (no DEVIL DRUG REPRONEX) and inject it subcutaneously into my stomach...today is also my last Lupron shot. Good riddance motherfuckers.

Sunday

I stress about this IM shot all day...only to have it not be 'too bad' once I ensure my muscles are absolutely relaxed. (Hint: Stand against a bookshelf with your arms leaning on it; stand pigeon-toed to ensure you can't flex the muscle---have your husband/partner feel the muscle before injecting to ensure it's relaxed).

23 days and 31 shots later...for IUI #5, 4 eggs and crappy male sperm. WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Cancelled...

2009-09-06T17:19:00.002-04:00

It's over. IVF #1 ---> CANCELLED.

This has been the worst week of my life physically...the shots just continued to get worse. I wish I could say something positive, but I can't. I did have a very bad reaction to the Repronex which caused most of this so please don't take my experience to be what you may go throughl.

I will post more later...and provide details over the past week.

I need some sort of a miracle now.

I am older than I once was, and younger than I'll be; that's not unusual...

2009-08-30T20:59:00.002-04:00

I feel awful. I have a monster headache; I feel light-headed; my neck hurts; my body aches.

I've just had my second Gonal-F & Repronex shot. It's unnerving to mix this together...there is one syringe; 5 vials of powder; 2 needle tips. It's really fairly simple....take the syringe and empty the liquid into one vial, pull up and repeat four more times...switch needle tips and administer. This shot goes into my stomach, it takes some time to administer the medication...so much of it to push into my stomach. Oh, and it leaves big red welts around the injection site...the size of nearly TWO half dollars.

Just when I thought this shit was going to get easier, it gets worse. It feels like it's all downhill from here...it's just going to get worse and worse. I'm dizzy all the time and I'm nervous that I'm mixing the medication incorrectly, administering it incorrectly and looking for the first sign of side effects. I'm really trying not to freak the fuck out...and it's hard.

Not much else to say...because I'm exhausted and not feeling well. I'm in it to win it and I push forward and move on. 6 more Lupron shots and 6 more Gonal-F/Repronex injections. Tomorrow morning I go for bloodwork to see how my levels are and if any adjustments need to be made to the medication.

If you're reading this, please pray for us.

He looks around, around...he sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity; he says amen and hallelujah...

2009-08-26T20:21:00.004-04:00

AF arrived today. I guess this is a good thing. I go to the Dr. on Friday morning for blood work and an ultrasound to see how the Lupron is doing on suppressing everything. We are scheduled to begin stimulation injections on Saturday night.

I'm not sure how to describe how I'm feeling. I'm tired, exhausted, my body aches and I'm excited. I'm looking forward to seeing if this works. In less then a month, we will know. We will know if this worked for us. 4 weeks from yesterday, we will know.

The Lupron shots have gotten much better. Each morning, I prepare the injection: wipe off the vial, draw in 10 units of air, empty this into vial, turn vial upside down, draw in 10 units of Lupron, tap out air bubbles. Mr. CI then has the esteemed responsibility to clean the injection site and administer it. He has started doing it more forcefully---so it doesn't hurt as much as it did. LESS PAIN = easier!!! :) I have 10 more Lupron shots left to take---so I'm over halfway there. YAY!!! My next fear hurdle....intramuscular shots ---> Novarel + Progesterone. Anyone out there have any tips to offer up?

And the sign said, 'the words of the Prophets are written on the subway walls...'

2009-08-19T20:13:00.005-04:00

And so it is, just like they said it would be...I haven't written much lately because I haven't had the desire and I'm certain no one is waiting for my updates. I have been tired, dizzy, exhausted, moody and busy...of course IVF is always in the forefront of my mind.

I'm still taking BCP--with my last pill scheduled for Saturday (8/22); I started Doxycycline on Saturday (8/15) and will finish that on Friday; and I started the infamous Lupron injections on Saturday.

Lupron---this is the easiest---yet you hurt like a bitch and sting like a bee with every injection. The scary thought is that it just goes uphill from here--->bigger needles and syringes; more dosing. I will get through it, somehow.

I'm so exhausted and my body is so confused...all this suppression has got my 'like a clock' body in a tizzy.

Every morning Mr. CI and wake up and I prepare the injection...10 whatever of Lupron...and Mr. CI sticks it in. So far I have had 5 injections...3 have been fine; 1 burned pretty bad (I think there was an air bubble in the syringe) and 1 nearly made me jump off the bed in agony and created a waterfall of tears (perhaps this was into muscle?) all injections alternate between my thighs. I continue these until 9/5 (ugh) and I mistakenly reviewed my other medications and their needle sizes tonight and pretty much scared myself shitless for the Novarel and Progesterone....the needle is a good 2+ inches...and needs to go all the way in...and I thought my puny subcutaneous needle for Lupron was bad.

Please--make this worthwhile---make this happen for us---watch over us---keep us healthy in mind, body and spirit---help us have healthy children of our own. Restore my faith and make me believe again...

This is my song for the asking...

2009-08-10T20:41:00.003-04:00

Still prepping...

I am still taking birth control pills...should stop in a little less then two weeks. We start injections on Saturday. Lupron is a fun little drug that I will inject into my legs to begin 'shutting everything down.' Oh fun...this medication also produces side effects that are similar to going through menopause...something to look forward to in case I was getting 'relaxed' on the fun side effects.

Other than this...all is well on the home front. Mr. CI and I just returned from a weekend away in Vegas which was a ton of fun. Now it's back to the grind...back to the preparation and getting ready for the main event!

I am a rock; I am an island; and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries...

2009-07-25T10:48:00.003-04:00

So I'm officially 'in' my first IVF cycle. Let's hope it's my last. Today my medicine arrived. I've posted a picture of everything just to show what $4000 of IVF medicine looks like...so much but yet so little. Thank goodness for prescription drug coverage...I only had to pay $1900 for these beauties. My treatment plan should go a little something like this:

BCP from now until 8/22
Lupron injections in AM starting 8/15 until 9/5
Doxycycline for me and Mr. CI starting 8/15 for 7 days
Gonal-F + Repronex injected daily starting on 8/29 until 9/5
Novarel HCG shot on 9/6
Egg Retrieval 9/8
Start Medrol on 9/8
Egg Transfer sometime between 9/11-9/14 (hopefully 9/14 because that means we have blastocysts!)
Progesterone and Oil injections daily starting 9/8 until who knows when (or hopefully fetal heartbeat is detected)

Yes, this is a lot. The good news is that from the time injections start (8/15) we really only have a LOT of stuff going on for a few weeks.

I'm excited more than anything. THIS COULD ACTUALLY WORK FOR US! I have to go in for blood work and ultrasounds in the AM 5 times before the retrieval and then I go in 11 days after the transfer for a Beta blood test to see if I'm pregnant...this will likely be on or near September 22. WOW WOW WOW Could this actually be?

I need to relax, enjoy life and make sure everything is harmonious in my life for now and in preparation of what is to come.

When the road bends and the song ends; she moves on...

2009-07-19T19:44:00.003-04:00

My period decided to grace me with her presence a day earlier than expected...today. I guess I have already resigned myself to moving forward with IVF so I can't say I'm surprised. Part of me is excited...excited to now begin the road to IVF and possible (dare I say it) success. The excitement seems to neutralize the disappointment and make me feel indifferent.

This week is a busy one for us. Mr. CI has his urethra blockage surgery on Tuesday---to 'unblock' a blockage that has appeared again but apparently has nothing to do with our sperm issues. Then on Tuesday night--I have IVF class---then Thursday we go to sign consent forms, give blood, etc. at the Fertility Center.

I start BCP tonight...which is counterintuitive but necessary to begin the IVF route. I must look at the near future and next 6-8 weeks as one of peace and health preparing myself for the treatments and subsequent outcome.

As if everybody would know exactly what I'm talking about.

2009-07-14T20:29:00.004-04:00

I have actually only tested once and that was a few days ago when I knew it would be negative but wanted to ensure the 'HCG' was out of my system...which it is.

I think the lack of testing is probably because I've (good or bad) resigned myself to the next step. I actually picked up my prescription of BCP today...after picking them up I only casually mentioned to the HB that 'hopefully I'll have wasted the $11.25 that they cost' but somehow I doubt that.

I will do what it takes. I will embrace what lies ahead of me. I will not fear but hope...I will dream again. I will look at each day as a day closer to when we can have our own baby. Wow that sounds so good but also idealistic.

I will look at my future as limitless. I will love my husband for all the greatness he encompasses; for all the ways he inspires and for the children we will have...one day.

July, she will fly; And give no warning to her flight.

2009-07-09T19:33:00.005-04:00

Wow..where do I start?

I'm trying to have hope for IUI #4 but based on the fact that I'm already talking about the next step...I guess I've resigned myself to failure. I have cramps on top of everything. That friendly dull reminder.

Additional background: Mr. CI talked to his male fertility doctor about his current status and our potential next steps. His hormone levels are regulated (yay) but we won't be able to tell if it affects his sperm for 10 weeks (fuck). He should probably have surgery to correct a minor vericose vein in his 'junk' but we won't see those affects for 6 months to a year...yes I said 6 months to a year. Based upon where we are, where we've been and where we want to be...his doctor says we are 'great candidates' for IVF. He thinks we should use IVF for our first child and potentially fall back to 'natural' for any future children after that.

Dr. appointment day...today Mr. CI and I met with our Fertility Doctor to talk next steps. It looks like IVF is in our future. The words came out so fast, things that circled in my head were as follows: daily injections, 2 days off work, sedation, surgery, $12,000, etc. to name a few. Basically before we can do anything we have to attend an IVF 'class' that goes into detail about the process. Once that is complete then we have to make an appointment to sign a million consent forms (ovulation medication, ICSI, embryo transfer, storage, etc.) and I get to have a catheter inserted (similar to an IUI) for practice. On Day 1 of my period I start birth control pills (fucking great again) and then on day 14 I start daily injections...those go on and increase and there are multiple ultrasounds, blood tests, etc. leading up to 'retrieval' day. This is considered surgery and they will sedate me...'aspirate' the eggs out of my ovaries with a hollow needle and then go off and fertilize the eggs with Mr. CI's boys. Then after they turn into embryos we go back for the transfer.

This is of course my quick and dirty version. I'm excited, scared, nervous, sad and confused.

I'm excited because the chances for pregnancy are around 50%. This could actually WORK for us. We might actually be parents!!!

I'm scared because there is a VERY rigorous round of testing and medication that goes into this. One injection for the IUI was bad enough...daily injections...I'm going to need a SHARPS container the size of a bucket.

I'm nervous because there are so many 'what ifs.' What if I have a side effect? What if it doesn't work? What if we have multiples? What if we have massive multiples?

I'm sad because this is it. This is the end of the line. If this doesn't work, we are done...destined to never become parents. I'm sad because I don't want to do this...I want to have children naturally because I LOVE MY HUSBAND and we create a child out of this beautiful love...having science drive this makes me sad.

I'm confused because I'm moving forward a million miles a minute and hope that I am making the right decisions. The first big decision we have to make...what to do with any unused embryos--do we donate them or destroy them? I don't feel right with either of these options and yet before we begin we must decide which one to do. I have to think about this long and hard. I'm leaning towards one of these but it still doesn't feel right.

This is my tune for the taking; Take it, don't turn away; I've been waiting my whole life...

2009-07-06T20:46:00.003-04:00

Day 16--IUI #4

Mr. CI and I decided to perform the IUI separately this time since it was a work day. He went to drop off the specimen, I picked up and went for the procedure.

My heart dropped the minute I looked at Mr. CI's numbers. 4.3 million post-wash count with 78% motility. That's pretty good motility but pretty BAD count. Most doctors like to have at least 10 million to perform an IUI. We didn't have half of that. It was like a punch in the stomach, I was in shock and disbelief and despair from the minute I claimed my thermos and took the 15 steps to my Dr.'s office waiting room. To top it off, the receptionist warmly greeted me and asked if this was #1...uh..no...number 4 bitch. Maybe she'll learn her lesson not to be so warm next time.

I am so mad. I have no one and nothing to be angry with but I'm searing. WHY?!? HOW?!? After going through everything I have over the past month...and to come to this. SUPER CRAPPY SPERM! I feel let down and I haven't even given it a chance to work. Yeah, there is a chance...like a snowball has a chance to survive in hell...hardly at all. Even my Dr. was like..'wow the counts keep going down each month' thanks for pointing out the obvious doc..

I'm going to find positivity and optimism and hope...because I must. Dr. asked when we were meeting to talk next steps--this Thursday at 3:30--he set the stage to talk IVF. I can't fucking wait.

Life, I love you; Feelin' Groovy

2009-07-04T17:46:00.007-04:00

UNO, DOS, TRES!!! Three Follicles!

Ultrasound day--and it went well! So, we rolled into the Dr.'s office about 10 minutes late (it was my fault) which meant we had to wait about 30 minutes before going back to the 'probe' room. I am including a picture of the ultrasound machine (including wand) so you, too, can see how 'fun' this experience can be. Notice the condom so

gently coating the probe...

Regardless....all that matters today is that I have stimulated well---the pain is all worth it and we have 3 (THREE) follicles. Just thinking of this makes me smile. Yes, I realize we have had three before...but three is the maximum my Dr. allows for IUI and so it also gives us the best chances. IUI #4 is set for Monday morning...wish us all the luck in the world. :)

And the whole world whispering...born at the right time.

2009-06-30T22:09:00.006-04:00

Business first: Today is day 10--I'm finished with my monthly round of clomid...but just because I'm done swallowing the pills doesn't mean that those fuckers aren't making my ovaries feel like nerf footballs and my bitch mode is in full effect. My U/S is set for Saturday morning--so I have that to look forward to. IUI #4 (gosh it hurts to say that) it's 'tentatively' set for Monday--yippedy doo da. 7/9 represents my foray into the next round of infertility treatments...IVF. This is the day I take a shaky step forward into the intense art of assisted reproductive technology (ART). My fears are the intensity, the pain, the grueling list of "to-do's," the ethical questions that start to circle around my heart and head. I can't even allow myself to go down that path...yet. At least this is what I remind myself.

I'm transitioning to a new job and attended a meeting for my new group on Friday. The minute I sit down I notice a woman (who I don't know but recognized). She was pregnant when I first started trying 22 months ago. Lo and behold...I notice within minutes she is rubbing a bump...pregnant again. I know it's wrong but it's like a slap in the face all over again. I spent the better part of the rest of the meeting trying NOT to think about it, trying not to look at her rubbing her stomach, and each time I looked over...it made me sad all over again. A stranger...who doesn't know me...and my heart is broken. The pain leads to shame and depression.

Pleasure Last: I was able to relive my childhood dreams this past weekend. I went to the New Kids on the Block concert in Cincinnati. It was (and I'm not ashamed to admit it) one of the best nights of my life. I rocked out to my boys (who are now middle-aged men) and screamed like I did when I was 12. I fought an urge Saturday morning not to jump in my car and 'track' the NKOTB studs around the city for a chance to meet and greet them. Seeing my man-kids on stage made me feel like a flushed teenager and for a small moment everything was forgotten and I was just a girl watching her favorite boy band shake, sing and point to melt her heart. I loved them then...and I love them still. Judge if you want, but having a chance to see them as an adult made a significant childhood dream come true, aside from the fact that I'm not Mrs. Donnie Wahlberg but Mrs. CI. Mrs. CI has a nicer ring to it and a better man behind her. :)

Looking for the places only they would know...

2009-06-25T21:07:00.003-04:00

We are in this together.

I will admit that I have been insensitive and envious of others. Those that know they can have children, those that have children, those that never know the pain and frustration of infertility.

Despite these feelings, after my initial denial and ultimate change from reading pregnancy books to infertility books I have come to the conclusion that we are not the same but we are in this together.

Pain is pain. I had someone yesterday try to compare my situation to someone that has one child and has had 2 subsequent miscarriages. There is no comparison. In my mind it's worse to have lost a child then to never have had one to lose by far. But even then, there is no comparison.

Infertility rears it's ugly head in many different ways. Female factor, male factor, unexplainable infertility---it's all there and it all means one thing---> you can't conceive. I get tired of hearing success stories for those that 'have the same issue as me' because the truth is...just because something works for someone else, doesn't mean that it will work for me. Everyone thinks they have it worse than the other but what it comes down to is we are all in this together. We all pray, hope, dream and suffer. I have hope for our treatments to work not because it worked for someone else with crappy male sperm but because without hope, I have nothing.

I feel for anyone who suffers as much and more than I do...and if you are suffering as I suffer, please know that we are all in this together.

And these streets quiet as a sleeping army, send their battered dreams to heaven, to heaven.

2009-06-21T21:52:00.003-04:00

100% negative.

Bye bye love; Bye, bye happiness; Hello loneliness; think I'm gonna cry.

2009-06-19T20:49:00.004-04:00

"Did you Test?"

"Yes--negative"

"I know what you must be feeling...disappointment and frustration. You should try IVF as I've heard that is really successful."

Like it is even that easy. I'm not sure if there is anything anyone can say to assuage the pain. No, I don't know for sure it's a negative...not 100% anyway. I think I saw a pink tinge tonight. That and a negative test pretty much confirms the obvious. It's only normal to start feeling down right about now. I'm negative in more ways than one...and apparently fucking hilarious.

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me; the answer is easy if you take it logically.

2009-06-17T20:53:00.003-04:00

I just know it's going to be a negative...but I must maintain hope.

Yes, I tested again today..twice...and obviously you know the outcome. I actually had a lot of hope this month. I hear from a lot of people that they just 'know' when they are pregnant and they have 'the' feeling. I think I want this so bad that I'm creating the feeling. Or perhaps I'm ignoring the signs of my impending period.

I do have hope for this...for us...for our family. I'm getting further and further away from feeling it closer and closer. I'm also getting older...only about 6 weeks until I'm 30. 30, 2 years of trying, no babies, no positives...

I keep praying...and hoping...but much less dreaming.

June, she'll change her tune; In restless walks she'll prowl the night...

2009-06-16T21:45:00.004-04:00

I can't say that I'm getting more excited each day that I wait...

I'm officially getting to a point where I can 'test' early. Each month I say I'm not going to do it...and each month...I let myself down. Testing early today...twice (yes, I'm pathetic) just left me feeling sad and dejected once again.

The waiting game is on and is in no way...exciting.

Once my period shows up, I'm going to call the Dr. to schedule a consultation to discuss 'next steps' after four failed IUI's (yes, I'm already saying next month will fail...which is bad and hopefully I'm not jinxing myself and stupid enough to think that now it will fail just because I wrote this).

Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you...

2009-06-08T20:39:00.002-04:00

"So, are you guys thinking about having children?"

"When are you going to have some little ones?"

"Do you think you will have kids?"

I am SO tired of hearing one or more combinations of these questions. Yesterday it was, "I see you are looking to go to a global role...how does that fit with having children some day." Today it was, "are you going to have kids?"

I'd like to just tell people to shut it but instead I get into some BS word game where I'm telling them what they want to hear in order to shut them the hell up without giving up any of my truth.

So, I FINALLY have found the EA Sports Active system which is getting my ass into shape...I've been doing it for about 10 days now...and I have definitely seen and felt improvements!!! Yeah, well...infertility fucked that up too now...apparently there is no running/jumping or high impact exercising allowed during ovarian stimulation and fertility treatments. FUCK YOU INFERTILITY....you keep me fat, unmotivated, depressed, barren, emotional..oh and infertile. Thanks for taking my initiative and motivation to shape up and destroying even that. Why don't you impact EVERYTHING in my life...oh wait...you already do.

I'd rather be a hammer than a nail, yes I would...if I could.

2009-06-07T21:43:00.004-04:00

IUI #3 was today. Mr. CI's swimmers were at 10 million with 63% motility = no change from previous months. Because it is a Sunday, we had to go over to some random backup Dr.'s office for the IUI. I have several issues with the activities leading up to and including the IUI as follows:

Even though it is completely self-induced, it is so uncomfortable to sit in the parking lot at 8am while my husband goes upstairs to provide his specimen...while also seeing other wives sitting in their cars waiting on their husbands.
Going to breakfast to wait for the 'wash' only to see previously said wives and husbands also at breakfast passing time.
Going back to the office and seeing said wives and husbands again to pick up the specimens and transport it via thermos.
Driving in car holding my husband's sperm on ice inside a thermos that resembles one I used to take soup to school in back in 1990.
Walking into a random Dr.'s office only to see said wive and husband one final time in the waiting room....everyone with folder and thermoses in hand.
Empty bladder...undress waist down...cover up with paper sheet (regular Dr. has cloth!) and sit in a room decorated in pepto bismol pink and hunter green.
Random Dr. walks in...doesn't introduce herself...comments on how Mr. CI's sperm count is low...realizes it's a sensitive subject...makes joke that 'anything is possible' and proceeds to 'dive into' the IUI.
Comments about how she might need a more rigid catheter...on the fact that the presence of mucus is a good sign and then says leave in 5 minutes and is gone.

Let's just hope that things work out or that I don't have to this on a Sunday...again.

I'd like to say I have a good feeling about this month...but after trying all these times...we all know it would be a fucking miracle for it to work. I only have one more month of refills for IUI's...and then it may be onto the heavy duty shit...please don't make me have to do that.

When I run dry, I stop awhile and think of you...

2009-06-05T20:36:00.004-04:00

Day 14---two eggs on the U/S. IUI #3 scheduled for Sunday.

I find it oddly amusing that with each visit to the fertility center, each trip to empty my bladder, this is what is staring back at me on the wall.

Sometimes I look at it and feel hope...other times I look at it and it's almost as if I'm looking at some sick joke or one of those inspiration posters that has some cheesy saying and a picture of someone running through the desert.

It's probably a good indication of my 'two sides' of the battle.

I believe in the future, we shall suffer no more, maybe not in my lifetime, but in yours I feel sure...

2009-05-31T14:01:00.002-04:00

U/S #3 will be this Friday 6/5. IUI #3 will probably be on Sunday, 6/7. I take my final clomid today and look forward to the end of those effects and the ongoing ovarian pain of the after effects.

Mr. CI found out his testosterone is low and estradiol is high so he has been put on some hormone medication with the hopes that this will increase his swimmers. We'll find out around August if there has been any improvement.

I have more hope for the future but I'm not sure where that leaves me for the near future.

In the dangling conversation, and the superficial sighs, The borders of our lives.

2009-05-23T09:40:00.002-04:00

Negative...confirmed.

On a positive note, I no longer need to waste test strip after test strip double checking the fate. AND I will officially be partying in Vegas. I'm actually not as depressed this month as I was last month. Of course, I am sad but I actually feel like we are more towards the beginning than the end. I am thankful for this.

Maybe I feel at peace today because I had a dream last night that Mr. CI and I had a son, named Henry. So, I feel it will happen. We've agreed that we want to honor our grandmother's by naming our child(ren) after them. If we have a boy, Henry (from Mr. CI's grandmother, Henrietta) and if we have a girl, Eve (from my grandmother, Evelyn). It would be a blessing to have a girl and a boy and honor them both this way.

Hope reigns supreme today...and how sweet it is to not be so blue.

This is the story of how we begin to remember...

2009-05-21T21:43:00.002-04:00

Another day; another negative.

My head is still killing me; my breasts are still tender; I can't remember the last time I had solid bowels (damn glucophage) and I feel that feeling coming back.

I guiltily tested twice today...just in case the first one was somehow damaged. I don't even know why I still have hope...maybe it's an illusion of grandeur. I have to be stronger this month for Mr. CI. I can't bring him down like I did last month.

Vegas, here I come...get ready to get high on nicotine and insane amounts of liquor.

Unless...my prayers are answered...and then please ignore the above statement.

Laugh about it, shout about it; when you've got to choose; Every way you look at it, you lose...

2009-05-20T21:40:00.002-04:00

I tested today...three times...and three times it was negative. I was somewhat proud of myself though because I did refrain from saving the tests so I could reexamine later...and I only pulled the flashlight out once to confirm there wasn't a faint line anywhere.

My breasts are killing me...like bowling balls. I have a headache the size of Africa and I've got periodic cramping. Fuck it all.

My life is made of patterns that can scarcely be controlled...

2009-05-18T19:40:00.002-04:00

I don't even know what day it is today...I actually have to think about it...really think about it. Day 25...no sign...nothing.

I tested today...negative. Big fucking surprise.

I think I'm getting a sinus infection...but I don't feel like going to the doctor.

Mr. CI went to see a male infertility specialist last week. Surprisingly, the Dr. said that his sperm count a year ago was actually at 33 million. I'm not sure where the fertility center was mistaken but that doesn't really matter anyway. The Dr. told Mr. CI that he could have a hormonal imbalance or a borderline varicose vein in his 'baggage.' The treatments are hormones or surgery. Either way, it's something that won't get better for months with treatment. Sigh.

I still wonder if we'll never have children together. When I don't let myself get pulled down to this level, I get frustrated...what if we can only have one child when I've dreamed of having 3? What if we can't have children until we're almost too old? All of these are ludicrous without the big one occurring---having children period.

I'm going to Vegas next week with my BFF of 18 years...and I'm SO excited!!! This will be great because 1) I haven't gone away with this chica in 10 years; 2) If this month is a yes, what a great way to celebrate; 3) If no, what a great way to drown my sorrows in libations and nicotine (yes--if it's no, I'm smoking on this hiatus---deal with it) and 4) Maybe I won't fall so far (as far as last month) if it's a no and I'm in Vegas vs. at home and sad and depressed.

I'm holding out for a miracle...

I stand alone without beliefs..the only truth I know is you.

2009-05-11T21:57:00.002-04:00

IUI #2 went well on Saturday.

Mr. CI's sperm count was lower than last time but his motility was higher. Post - wash his count was around 10 million with a motility of 73%. We went through the same routine that we did last month that was both familiar and unsettling. Unsettling because we went through this last month and...nothing.

Amazingly enough, I didn't have cramps hardly at all. It was a little more 'uncomfortable' when they did the insemination but all-in-all not bad. I don't know if that is good or bad. I've had some cramping yesterday and today and it's easy to project that to something it's not and so I won't.

The two week wait is in full effect. Two days down.

Yesterday cannot pass without a few comments...Mother's Day.

1) Of course I'm sensitive but I didn't appreciate it when after lunch, our waitress came up to our table and expressed, "is anyone here a mother?" in order to give them a $10 gift card. It was nothing but of course it hit a nerve.

2) Lunch with my mother-in-law. She knows...my deepest, darkest, most hurtful 'secret' and that kills me. She doesn't know that I know...but that doesn't make it go away. During lunch she barely spoke to me but I felt that 'look' she gives everyone that let's you know she's thinking not great thoughts of you. After we gave her gift to her...she gave me a gift. While I have to give her credit because ever since we've had our dog--I've always gotten a mother's day gift from her---but maybe since she knows she could have been a little more sensitive and let it go this year. Because of course it makes me want to scream to get a mother's day gift when I'm not a FUCKING mother. She gave me a coach change purse, a handmade necklace and a $100 gift card to Macy's--because of course taking care of my dog is worthy of this. She's infamous for buying love and I can't help but think this is her way of buying mine. Maybe she's making up for her son's sperm count...either way it makes me want to vomit.

On a happier note...I'm going to VEGAS in two weeks with my BFF of 18 years. I cannot wait...and it will be timely because if things don't work out this month, I'll have a good reason to drown my sorrows in liquor and cigarettes.

Hey let your honesty shine, shine, shine...like it shines on me.

2009-05-08T22:01:00.002-04:00

IUI #2 tomorrow.

So I had it out with Mr. CI...I'm still so pissed about this but there isn't anything I can do. I know our marriage is stronger than this.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and they found 3 follicles---which is great. I had the trigger shot last night and we'll go in for #2 tomorrow.

I'll be curious to see what the swimmers look like tomorrow.

I'm exhausted...too tired to even write here.

And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him till he cried out...

2009-05-06T21:51:00.003-04:00

Betrayed. I feel completely and totally betrayed. Mr. CI has betrayed me.

The one thing about all this fucking shit is that it is mine, or ours, and ours alone. I know that we have each chosen a few select individuals to talk about what is going on and rightfully so in order to get some outside support. However, we agreed that we would under no circumstances tell our parents or our families. Mr. CI told his mother.

My heart is so broken by this...this is such a betrayal to me beyond words or expression. The door is open---the door that I can never close now---the door that I have fought so hard to keep shut. It only makes it worse that his mom has the biggest mouth in the world, second only to his brother, who happens to be best friends with my college roommate who is friends with all my friends.

I haven't confronted Mr. CI about this yet...and even as I type these words I wonder if it will be tonight, tomorrow or ever.

Nothing can undo this betrayal. It's a betrayal of trust, of our marriage of my personal faith and belief in him. I am even more angry because I don't know how I will ever get past this. Ever.

What the fuck have I ever done to deserve this shit???

She said a bad day is when I lie in bed And I think of things that might have been...

2009-05-03T22:41:00.002-04:00

Falling down...down...down.

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. That's how my mood swings.

I'm resigning myself to the fact that I may never be able to have children. This is making me sad and depressed. It's like a mid life crisis---nothing feels good or familiar. Everything takes effort...takes what I don't have.

When I think of not having children of my own, my heart breaks and tears glisten over my eyes. Part of me knows it's too early to throw in the towel---and I know that each month I will continue to 'try' but part of me knows that if I prepare for the worst then when it happens, it may not be so bad.

I think what I'm really afraid of is losing it. I'm afraid that if I can't have children I may lose myself in a way that I'll never get back. My purpose in life will be gone. I will have none. In my haste to try to alter this fate I'm making steps to make my life more fulfilling. I bought a violin on Friday. I played it once in 5th grade so of course I should be able to pick it up again. I'm thinking that maybe I can teach myself to play and I can be good again in a new way...a creative way. I can play music so full of sadness and grief that maybe I can let go of my own.

I can't feel my ovaries stimulating this month as much as last month. Last night for an hour I sat and wondered maybe they didn't stimulate much this month...enough to even more forward with the IUI...wouldn't that be my fucking luck.

I'm losing faith and hope and belief...and while I know I can't let go...it just feels so comfortable to fall further.

It's not that the colors aren't there, it's just imagination they lack...

2009-04-30T21:59:00.003-04:00

I'm falling into the Twilight series...now I know I have a problem.

It's all teeny bopper with a 'love struck' male and unrequited love...all the stuff of fairy tales and such.

It's embarrassing to say the least but at least it takes my mind off of other things. I'm almost through book three and so who knows what will happen when there isn't a book left to read.

I also found this CD that I used to listen to ALL the time years ago. It's amazing how music can take you back...a song will come on and I'll be washed over with emotion of a memory and I absolutely LOVE this feeling. I think that's what makes me want to sit, smoke and listen to music right now.

I'm working on my "100 things to do before I die" list as I decided yesterday that I need to do what I can while I'm young(er) and able and not put off things until who knows when. As much as I want to stay inside I need to go outside and play.

I think I'm hitting bottom...

I've been waking up at sunrise, I've been following the light across my room.

2009-04-29T21:47:00.002-04:00

I'm sinking and tumbling and tip-toeing down further and further away.

I know I'm ridiculous and absurd and somewhat insane...but the past few months when things don't work out have been hard and each month is harder.

I've decided to take charge of my life and throw myself into 'being the best me' possible in hopes that this will lift me up when I'm falling down and deliver long term beneficial results. The only problem is that the darkness and the pain is so comforting.

I started the Clomid yesterday and tonight my ovaries are stimulating or so I can guess by the nagging pain in my sides.

I feel all jumbled up...all I want to do right now is sit on my porch, drink wine and smoke cigarette after cigarette---which of course I can't do which just pisses me off even more.

I'm empty and aching and trying to hold onto everything good that I have before my stupidity and depression shove it in the garbage disposal.

Do I need professional help? I don't know...what would they tell me that I don't already know? What techniques can they give me that I haven't already tried? How can someone that was never an alcoholic treat alcoholics?

I will pray the same prayer tonight and ask for calm, peace and tranquility to return...and above all...hope.

Lightning pushes the edge of a thunderstorm; and these old hopes and fears still at my side...

2009-04-27T21:18:00.002-04:00

IUI #1 --- Negative

It pains me to have to write #1....will this ever fucking happen for us? I am exhausted to think that this month will be the 20th time that we have tried this. Mr. CI doesn't see it the same way. He sees this as #2 like we started 'fresh' once we went to the reproductive specialist. No fucking way. Like the last 18 months and 18 attempts, 18 rays of hope, 18 times for wonder, 18 dips into disappointment and depression...this is mine to hold onto...I can't act like it didn't exist...like it didn't change me. I'm changed for certain...but I can't tell yet if it's for bad or good.

I again feel myself dancing on that line...the line of reality, the line of depression and hope...teetering because it feels so comfortable and easy to go towards depression but I know I need to go towards hope.

My BF put it best when we talked this weekend. Even though you don't know me and you don't know my past, all you need to know is this. "The sadness behind this is because you fought so hard for your family growing up and now you can't have the one thing that matters most to you...a family." Amen sister.

I need a fucking break. I refilled the clomid, the ovidrel and have my ultrasound scheduled for May 7th...with IUI #2 probably going to be on May 9th...my BF's birthday. I need the luck.

I have my books and poetry to protect me...

2009-04-17T21:03:00.002-04:00

Today is day 22...almost half way through the two week wait. I was told not to test early because I would receive a positive HPT. Well, of course I did test early. I tested on Sunday and am sad to say it was just so I could actually see what a positive pregnancy test might look like. I know that I'm like a self-masochist...but I can't help it.

I tested again today and it was negative. I guess the good news is that if it turns positive then I know it's wonderful news...and I don't necessarily have to wait until next Saturday to find that out. I've read so many stories online that are positive and negative with regards to situations like mine and I don't even know what to think. I want to be hopeful and I want it to happen but I am guarding myself against it.

I have to go to Dallas next week for work...right at the time I could test. I'm going to drive myself crazy with not testing then but I want to wait until I'm home with Mr. CI so we can find out together.

April come she will, When streams are ripe and swelled with rain...

2009-04-12T20:27:00.002-04:00

On an unrelated non-baby note....

Last Saturday, Mr. CI and I were walking down the street after a movie and before dinner and he turned to me, his eyes lit up, he smiled that smile I fell in love with almost 6 years ago and he said, "we are like best friends," with the sweetest tone in the whole world. I could melt into his arms forever. I never will forget that moment...ever.

People say I'm crazy, I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes...

2009-04-11T21:00:00.002-04:00

IUI Day!!!!!! HOPE RENEWED!!

Neither Mr. CI nor myself slept well last night. The lingering thoughts of today's procedure, the percentages of success swirling around in our heads or the anticipation of the next step.

We woke up at 6:30am to give the glucophage time to 'do it's thing.' Then we went to the Fertility Center (FC). I sat in the car and read while Mr. CI went and did his thing. We then went to breakfast and to Panera to read until our 2 hours were up. At 10am, we went to the lab to retrieve Mr. CI's specimen in a thermos, no less. Then over to the FC where in a less than 5 minute process, Mr. CI's sperm was inserted into my uterus. Talk about some crazy sex.

GOOD NEWS: Everything went as well as it could.

GREAT NEWS: Mr. CI's analysis----Pre-Wash: 17 Million Sperm Count; 31% motility. Post-Wash: 10.6 Million Sperm Count; 60% motility.

Not only did Mr. CI's sperm increase almost 25% since his previous analysis but we were able to get MUCH more than was previously anticipated. Yes, overall, this is still a low number but I couldn't be happier with the fact the chances are better than we initially thought. Mr. CI definitely came through when he needed to!

After the IUI, I laid on the table for 10 minutes, then dressed and we went to see a movie. About an hour after the procedure I started having pretty severe menstrual cramps that seemed to only subside with rest. Then we came home after the movie and laid around for awhile.

I feel REALLY good about everything that happened--and I do BELIEVE we have a real chance of this working out.

Because I injected myself with HCG made from pregnant women's urine to trigger ovulation, I cannot test for pregnancy before two weeks as the HCG will give me a false positive. In the past, I have been insane about testing but I MUST wait now because I really don't want to be misguided.

For the first time in a long time, I believe, I have hope and I'm praying for a positive.

And we said these songs are true...These days are ours...These tears are free

2009-04-09T21:59:00.002-04:00

So much is going on...it's all happening so fast.

Today is day 14. We went to the doctor this morning for our big ultrasound....and there were...(drumroll please) 3 follicles. I believe from what the Dr. said and the limited research that I have done that this sets us up for great success. :)

Our IUI procedure will occur on Saturday morning. Tonight at 9pm I also had my husband administer an injection into my abdomen of HCG from the urine of pregnant women. This is the step/level that I will go to. It was not as painful as I had anticipated but it was SO hard to prepare myself to get it. I hope I never have to do that again.

I am excited, nervous, anxious, impatient and scared. I've resigned myself to being 'ok' with twins but anything more than that will freak the shit out of me...literally.

And don't speak too soon for the wheels still in spin...

2009-04-03T21:58:00.004-04:00

HSG day.

In some ways it wasn't as bad as I thought and in other ways it was worse. Here is how it occurred:

Take 800 mg of Motrin one hour before procedure. Show up, register and head to Radiology. Go back to a weird looking room with small stalls and mini lockers. Undress all except for bra and socks--one gown in the front and one gown in the back. Walk into next room---sit on table. Lay back on table with feet up and knees bent. Insert speculum, cervix clip (pain and discomfort starts here), clean cervix, enter catheter (more pain), enter dye (awful pain), exit speculum and lie back flat (more pain), x-ray machine moves over pelvis, pictures taken, catheter pulled out, lay still, sit up, walk into next room, wipe blood and dye off with washcloth and towel, go into next room and redress, go into bathroom and use maxi-pad, more dye, more blood, more cramps, more pain.

The pain and discomfort was unlike menstrual cramps---it was pressure, pain, squeezing and I clenched my teeth and fought back tears. Just as it was getting unbearable---it was over. After it was over the menstrual cramps set in and I felt like I was peeing myself into a diaper...damn leakage.

Most importantly...everything is normal. I've never been so happy to see dye spill out of my ovaries before.

Still spotting and some mild discomfort and cramps...but happy that things are normal and hopeful for the next week where we move onto the IUI.

I feel like things are coming together and that everything will work out for us...I truly do. For the first time in a long time...I'm filled to the brim with hope and excitement.

A special shout out to our fertility specialist who talks 5,000 miles a minute but does his part to make myself and Mr. CI feel comfortable and at ease with these most awkward situations.

The rage of love turns inward to prayers of devotion...

2009-03-29T20:31:00.003-04:00

Today is day 3. Yes, of a new monthly cycle. Of our first cycle with assistance.

My period came this month with little pomp and circumstance. It was, of course, inevitable but it's always sad. I'm not sure if each month it is the same sadness, it it gets worse or if it gets easier because I can at least recognize it.

This month also comes with frustration. When the Dr.'s office called to tell me about my lab work results, they also left me a message about Mr. CI's semen analysis. Mr. CI had an analysis conducted last February and told me that 'everything was fine.' I have no idea what words were exchanged between him and his urologist but clearly something was missed. The fertility center said, 'Mr. CI's numbers are the same as his last test and perhaps a little bit lower and that we are a great candidate for IUI and probably not timed intercourse.' When I heard this message, I didn't pay much attention to it because saying it was the same as last time and remembering that Mr. CI said it was fine---I assumed it was fine. However, being in the research business--I figured I would look into what is 'normal' for a semen analysis. I was slightly floored when I found out that Mr. CI's numbers are below average and have been for over a year. Normal Sperm Count = 20 million; Mr. CI's Sperm Count = 13 million; Normal Motility = 50%; Mr. CI's Motility = 31%.

Needless to say, while I can't be mad at Mr. CI because it is 'what it is' I am super pissed off because had I known this a year ago---I WOULD HAVE SAVED MYSELF THE PAST 12 MONTHS OF BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!

Because I know I cannot change the past and cannot control things out of my control...I am moving on. The outcome wouldn't have been any different but perhaps the timing. So, I'm trying to look at our upcoming IUI with hope and optimism that it may actually work for us.

Here is my current schedule of activities:

Today is Day 3

On Day 5--stop taking Glucophage; start taking Clomid

On Day 8--go to hospital for HSG procedure

On Day 10--start taking Glucophage again; Clomid will be done

On Day 14--go to Dr.'s office for ultrasound to assess follicles

On Day 15/16 --IUI

The plan is in place---I have the Clomid and I have the Ovidrel 'trigger' shot. I'm nervous, excited, scared and optimistic. There is a definite chance of multiple pregnancies with these medicines and procedures but I'm just hoping God is looking out for us and keeping us safe and helping us make the right decisions.

This is a lot. I find myself getting very overwhelmed and easily upset and trying to remain calm and steadfast, but it is hard, so hard sometimes.

And sometimes when I'm falling, flying or tumbling in turmoil I say Oh, so this is what she means...

2009-03-24T20:27:00.004-04:00

Today is day 27. Negative. Slight spotting tonight. = the inevitable is about to happen.

I don't know why I'm 'surprised' once again. It's like fucking Groundhog's Day--the movie the same thing over and over again. In many ways getting my period this month is bad, awful, terrible, painful, sad and depressing...it's worse than it's ever been before. Getting my period this month means: I've failed at reproducing on my own, I will not have a baby in 2009, I will now have to move on to invasive and painful procedures to attempt to scientifically get pregnant. Emphasis on failure, 2009, invasive, painful and scientifically. It makes my eyes tear up and my heart hurt tremendously.

In many ways over the past month I have had renewed hope but I have also had a great amount of stress. Dr.'s appointments, blood, tests, internal ultrasound, glucophage, diarrhea, depression. The 'plan' goes into effect on Day 1. This could be tomorrow. This scares the shit out of me. I'm scared of everything I'm about to do. I'm scared about making the right decisions. I'm scared about the risks and possible complications. I'm scared about the possibility of it never happening. I'm scared.

I am really trying not to be sad about everything but it is so damn hard. My mother called me today to talk about some procedure she has to have on her teeth next week, worried about the money it will cost. I wanted to explode and tell her how scared I am and how much money all of my fertility shit will cost but I can't. I'm pseudo-alone in this. Mr. CI is wonderful and loving and there when I need him...but he doesn't understand how I feel or what I'm going through. And thus, this is why I feel pseudo-alone. I'm falling, flying and tumbling all at the same time...wondering whether I will land up or down. I'd like to land pregnant.

On a positive note, the Dr. called and shared with me my test results: hemoglobin--fine; insulin--fine; renal--fine; cystic fibrosis--not a carrier; rubella--immune; and HIV--negative. Good news is so rare and feels so refreshing for a change.

When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you.

2009-03-15T20:17:00.002-04:00

Today is day 18. I had a positive and :) on the OPK's on days 14 & 15. In 10 days we will know whether or not we have succeeded or if we need to go down the infertile path of treatment. The plan is in place.

My body is still adjusting to the glucophage and I still feel sick to my stomach constantly. :( I haven't lost any weight and I've also been exercising every day. Wow, we could really use some good times ahead of us.

Just trying to keep my customers satisfied, satisfied.

2009-03-12T22:13:00.003-04:00

Nerves...Shame...Hope...Diarrhea----this pretty much sums up the last few days.

So, we went to the Fertility Center and met with the doctor. Here's a recap: show up and fill out some paper work, go back and have vitals taken then return to the waiting room, Mr. CI and I go back and provide the Dr. with some medical history information; I go and give 4 vials of blood (YUCK); then I go in and do a vaginal ultrasound (DOUBLE YUCK). The Dr. was able to see a follicle on one of my ovaries and promptly instructed us to go home and 'love on each other.' Then he explains his 'treatment' to us. It is as follows:

***During my physical exam, he detected some pigment discoloration on my body which could be a precursor to Type II Diabetes (:( ) and so he prescribed a medicine called 'Glucophage' for me. This should help me better process sugars (eg. lose weight). So far I'm certain I will lose weight as I'm having awful stomach pains and explosive diarrhea for my third straight day. These side effects are supposed to subside after a few weeks---this can't come fast enough for me.

Assuming next doesn't work for us here are our steps:

1. Day 1 of period I call the office and schedule an HSG for sometime between days 5-11

2. I start taking Clomid on days 5-9 to ensure 'multiple' egg development.

3. I have an HSG procedure sometime between days 5-11.

4. I have an ultrasound on day 14.

5. I give myself a shot that evening between 8-10pm. :( :( :(

6. Next day Mr. CI goes and makes a 'deposit' which promptly comes over to the office and is inserted into my uterus via Intra Uterine Insemination AKA IUI.

7. By day 34 we should know one way or the other if it 'works.'

Wow--this is a lot. I have a lot of concerns, emotions and stomach pains. I was overwhelmed by this but I guess it makes sense after 18 months of trying with no apparent reason why we are having fertility problems.

On a positive note--positive OPK's were seen yesterday and today on days 14 and 15---so we've put in another great effort this month and we'll see what happens and then have a plan in place.

On a separate note, my blood was stolen. Apparently the courier vehicle that was delivering it to the lab made an intermediate stop and during this someone stole the vehicle with my blood in it. WTF?!? So, I will have to give yet ANOTHER blood sample on my next visit. Giving blood is becoming more routine but not more enjoyable.

I'm clearly overwhelmed, filled with renewed hope, fears and sick to my stomach like crazy. This had better work out in my favor....

Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where, we don't know where.

2009-03-08T20:20:00.002-04:00

Dum, Dum, Da Dum, Dum, Da Dum, Da Dum, Da Dum...it's here.

Tomorrow we go to the Fertility specialist. I have gathered all of my pertinent medical records and placed them in a simple manila envelope along with the forms I have pre-filled out for the appointment.

I have really tried to look at tomorrow with hope and optimism but it's incredibly difficult. I want tomorrow to go well but I have fears. I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying and all of a sudden I am worried that my weight might be an issue. According to the Wii Fit I am obese---which is so nice to hear---but I appear to be healthy, ovulate regularly, my bloodwork is fine, my thyroid is under control---so it shouldn't be the weight. I've actually started working out to try to be more proactive with working on the weight. I'm hoping to keep it up because regardless it's a good thing to get in better shape.

Anyway, it's with a torrent of emotion that I write these words. I'm in a space between hope and sadness with my friend disappointment lingering everywhere. I hope we hear good news tomorrow and get a plan in place so we can have a healthy baby, soon.

I don't know why I spend my time writing songs I can't believe...

2009-02-25T20:46:00.003-05:00

Negative.

I know why I keep trying but I don't know how much more I can take.

Mr. CI and I have an appointment with a Reproductive Specialist on Monday, March 9th. I'm trying to be positive about it...but all I feel is sadness and depression.

I sobbed all the way home from work in my car...and had to keep myself from tears several times today. The sadness is tearing me in half and yet I am fighting against it...and despite the fact that I'm not sure what I believe anymore...I fight on.

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping...I'm aching and empty and I don't know why...

2009-02-24T21:06:00.003-05:00

I feel depressed. I feel sad. I can tell I'm falling and I know I shouldn't fall but part of me wants to just lay in it until I'm soaked through with sadness.

It's not 100% confirmed negative...but I've tested negative and I've had some spotting. In previous months this is a precursor to the inevitable.

I'm sad because it's been 18 months of struggle. I'm sad because I don't have control over this situation. I'm sad because I know now that I need to go see a specialist. A specialist---this has always seemed so far away in my mind, something that would never happen...and now it's here.

I'm scared. What if there is something seriously wrong with me? What if I'll never have my own children? What if this pain will never go away?

I'm aching and empty and I do know why...

Maybe I'm laughing my way to disaster, maybe my race has been run...but what can be done?

2009-02-22T12:40:00.002-05:00

Today is day 29 and I'm still waiting for a sign.

I have pondered and prayed and waited for an answer...not just any answer...but the one I'm looking for. The one I've dreamt of since I was a little girl and first played 'house'...the one I've been actively trying to get for the past 18 months.

I've already picked out the Reproductive Facility that we'll go to...but I don't really want to go.

With every day and every sign...I pray it's the one I want---the one I wish for. I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I wait. I pray. I prepare myself for a negative but I really want a positive.

When darkness comes, and pain is all around, like a bridge over troubled water...

2009-02-07T21:26:00.004-05:00

I feel like the shit keeps rolling down hill.

The past two weeks have been...whatever. Here is a quick recap:

My husband's grandmother passed away suddenly on January 21st. So much sadness has poured out of my head and heart for Mr. CI and his family as they have lost a remarkable woman and there will now be a forever emptiness in their lives. She lived a remarkable life and died in peace. I was there when she died...it happened so fast. One moment she was there and the next she was gone. It was awful and sad...and I've tried very hard to get the images out of my memory. Her funeral was nice and on the afternoon of her funeral, my period arrived...two days early. Fucking fabulous.

Within the past two weeks life has been full of sadness, death, disappointment, lack of routine, snow, ice, more snow and sickness. I'm ready for it to stop.

Last night I had a dream that my own grandmother told me she would be going to heaven soon. It made me very sad.

Day 14---faint lines on the OPK's and Fertility Monitor---but no sign of imminent ovulation. Mr. CI are both battling bronchitis and colds so this month's efforts have been a bit lacking and forced. :(

This is a big month...the month....6 months post thyroid medicine. The next period = a phone call to reproductive specialist. There isn't much more that I dread than this. I purchased some books about fertility treatments and infertility and couldn't get through very much of them because they just made me incredibly sad. :(

Tomorrow I'm going to a baby shower for a friend. I'm not green with envy but more uncertain about what is my path in this world...am I ever to be a mother? I really don't want to go to tomorrow...just more sadness. Sadness is a film over my life like soap scum in a shower...yet I don't know how to get rid of it. It's sadness for all that I want, for all that could be and for all that hasn't been.

I went to the doctor this week to re-test my thyroid levels---I should get the results back next week and hopefully things will be fine in that department.

It's been a long, long day I sure could use a friend, Don't know what else to say.

2009-01-28T17:19:00.003-05:00

As evidenced by my last post, this month was again a negative.

One more month of trying and then we will go see a specialist. :( I really, really, really don't want to go see a specialist but I guess at that point it will be 18 months of trying...so it's time to find answers and hopefully results.

I don't know why we cannot have children. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm sad for so many reasons but that is one of the biggest...the most dire and the most upsetting.

I'm a good person, I live a good life, I want to be a mother more than anything but it seems so unattainable at this point...almost like maybe it will never happen.

2009-01-25T10:46:00.001-05:00

Negative.

God only knows, God makes his plan, The information's unavailable, To the mortal man...

2009-01-18T19:49:00.004-05:00

I'm half way through the two week wait this month. I haven't really had a sign one way or the other so I'm teetering that line again. The one between hope and disappointment. I can't help but want this so bad and yet not knowing if it will ever happen breaks my heart.

I quit smoking this month. Yes, I know--no need to share your head in disbelief and point a finger in my direction. The truth is that I actually quit smoking over a year ago on September 4th, 2007. I quit for about 4 months---having a baby and wanting to get pregnant the right way (meaning living my life as healthy as I can) was my momentum---but I'll tell you that months of disappointment made me say, 'fuck it.' I know tons of people who became pregnant while smoking and quit on the spot. I knew I could do the same. However, I've decided that I need to quit for so many reasons and so I'm now 2 weeks off the 'sauce' and happy about it while missing it all at the same time. Don't judge what you don't know.

Anyways, I find myself dreaming of what life would be like with a baby. Mr. CI, our adorable basset and our beautiful baby.....life would be magnificent.

Looking past the conceiving insanity, life is relatively wonderful. Mr. CI and I couldn't be happier together---we are incredibly in sync and love spending time together. He is truly my best friend and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is absolutely everything I could possibly want in a man...which leads me to a delightful realization...I am madly in love with my husband.

We want to have children very much and while I know it's all in God's hands, I hope it happens sometime soon.

But if your hopes should pass away, simply pretend that you can build them again...

2009-01-04T20:33:00.003-05:00

So, there has been a noticeable absence in my posts on here. Part of that reason has been a lack of hope; lack of anything really to write about that is new or different than what I've already posted.

So, a quick but brief update on the past 1.5 months--- negative.

We actually put in a great effort in December--only to have the positive sign of my period confirm the impossibility of conception last month.

My husband, Mr. CI, is an angel---a true gentleman and amazing soul. For our New Year's Eve toast his final comments were, 'May 2009 be all about babies and less about branches.' I'll remember that always. He also sent me flowers on NYE---to cheer me up with a note that said, "Looking forward to spending another year with you. Love Mr. CI" I'm truly blessed to have him in my life.

With this new year---I intend to do what I can to make every effort a possibility for success and a positive pregnancy test. And thus, like Paul Simon's words from Hazy Shade of Winter, I am trying to 'find my hope again.'

Wish us good fortune and a healthy baby for 2009.

Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes...

2008-11-17T20:33:00.004-05:00

Once again...(sigh) it's Ovulation time. The fertility monitor shows two bars as of yesterday with an imminent 'egg' sign en route. Don't get me wrong--I'm glad that this is happening early in the cycle (Day 12) vs. later in the cycle like last month (Day 20)...it's just the cycle now begins again in so many ways.

My cousin is now pregnant. But, again...I get hit with those thoughts..those damn evil thoughts. Those thoughts that I don't even need to express here.

Who would have thought that even people who do everything they can to become pregnant, can't. An old mantra that has become new again: Worry about the things you can control and let go of the things you can't control. I know I need to do a better job of living up to this mantra, which is why it is new again.

It's the holidays, feelings of old always become familiar, if not new. Ten years ago come December 9th, will be the anniversary of when my world came crashing down unrelated to the topic of this blog.

We are trying, again, this month with full vigor and I have done a really piss poor and sometimes decent job of shoving all my feelings, self pity, etc. back into that dark hole that I keep them in and refuse to crawl into myself.

I am off work and on vacation next week and I need a break so badly for so many reasons.

Shoves a little bump into the momentum, It's just a little lump, but you feel it...

2008-11-09T21:33:00.004-05:00

Day 35...vomit again...and AF arrived. It's taken me several days just to visit this site as I have not wanted to update with this status.

What can I say...nothing. I stupidly tested to confirm that it was negative...and it was negative. Negative like five times for the past five days.

I guess the only thing to say or do is start the countdown to O time...again.

My cousin is pregnant, my friend is pregnant, my neighbor is pregnant, my co-worker is pregnant and me...I'm just stuck in a moment that I want to get out of. It's almost to a point that I think it will never happen but yet I keep trying, hoping, etc. etc. and well you know the rest of the story.

You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip slidin' away...

2008-11-04T20:15:00.002-05:00

Day 33

The past few days have been a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down, inside out and upside down. Wanting, hoping, praying, wishing and looking for a sign either way.

I have had cramps off and on for the past week...my breasts have been sore for the past few days. I've actually broken down and tested. Who am I kidding, I've tested a lot. A few times every day. I've examined test strips in various types of lighting looking for a sign...a line...faint or bright. Sometimes as I'm examining these test strips like I'm examining DNA code and I can almost talk myself into seeing a faint line.

I'm a crazy person, I know. Last night I lay in bed and wondered what the near future would be like being pregnant...and I had to stop myself because everything becomes a potential jinx. I've become that person that says if the light turns green before I get to the intersection, then I'm definitely pregnant. Crazy, sick, sad, stupid. I know.

Then tonight on a trip to the bathroom, there was that familiar tinge of something brownish-red...not yet evidence of AF but it feels like a calling card, telling me she is on her way.

Dreaming of glory, twitching like a finger, on the trigger of a gun...

2008-11-02T21:21:00.004-05:00

Day 31...no signs of AF no signs of the big P.

Took a few tests over the past few days...negative.

It's like the anticipation before something great happens....only something great may not happen this month.

I've decided not to tell Mr. CI about the current situation. Since I O'd on day 20---it's not totally 'late,' and I really don't want to make him wonder and hope for nothing.

I really, really want this...but I can't help but think it's just going to be a disappointment.

She was physically forgotten but then she slipped into my pocket with my car keys...

2008-10-24T21:52:00.002-04:00

Wow--in the midst of the last few posts, I have forgotten one vital but important and exciting fact.

My TSH level is at 1.53!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went back to the doctor on October 10th and had more blood taken. Through the gamut of tests, everything looked good, but more importantly my TSH level is now at a normal level. This was some of the best news I have received in a long time. Plus this means that I am now at the recommended level for conceiving and 'maintaining' a pregnancy. Yes, I will be on medication for the rest of my life---but if that's as bad as it gets---I can handle it. :)

On a separate but related note I FINALLY got an ovulation 'egg' symbol on the fertility monitor. It has been a great and exciting week--sort of.

The HB and I did our best effort to do the big deed---and now it goes back to the waiting game.

I've had a lot of thoughts and torrents and am holding onto hope but trying to have a realistic viewpoint and am tempering between hope and impending disappointment can be maddening.

Proof is the bottom line for everyone...

2008-10-18T21:54:00.003-04:00

Day 16...still only one bar on the fertility monitor. :(

I actually went out and purchased OTC OPKs today to 'double check' the accuracy of the monitor. There was one faint line next to the dark test line. I'm not sure if that means ovulation is coming or going.....makes me want to go crazy.

On a delightful note, Mr. CI took me out for a surprisingly wonderful dinner tonight in honor of Sweetest Day. I completely understand that Sweetest Day is a Hallmark holiday that only 2% of the midwest celebrates...but Mr. CI said it is always good to have an excuse to celebrate our love. :) I know...cute and gushy and all that. I'm a lucky girl.

Now, if only we could get lucky in another area...

Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...

2008-10-16T21:58:00.002-04:00

So, we are 'in it to win it.'

It's day 14 and still only a faint line next to a dark line. I'm not sure if that means that ovulation is coming, gone or non-existent this month. The last two months I have ovulated around day 14 so this month isn't looking promising so far.

We are taking all necessary precautions (or lack thereof) this month...so time will tell.

Tonight I'll sing my songs again, I'll play the game and pretend...

2008-10-12T22:46:00.003-04:00

This is the feeling that I have entering day 10 of my cycle.

It's not that Mr. CI and I don't have a spark or that our relationship is void of passionate moments of love. It's that this month I have to sigh as I think about entering into the 'red zone' already hanging my head in defeat.

I know I shouldn't be so pessimistic and I should be entering into the next 5-7 days with hope and zest but it's hard.

Today I will feel this way, tomorrow I will wake up with a mission...

And these old hopes and fears, still at my side...

2008-10-07T22:14:00.003-04:00

Time passes but thoughts don't.

It's hard for me to continue on with my rants here when a dear friend is suffering so much. Life goes on but how does life go on when something so terrible happens? Life goes on but life changes, it transforms itself. It becomes a before and after. Before when we were happy becomes an after how can we be happy again?

I hope that no one will ever have to suffer this again...and yet I already know the answer to that.

While I don't want to appear cold and I am in no way comparing the emotions involved, people who suffer from miscarriage or infertility belong to a secret society.

Confidences enlighten me to the number of people who have experienced one or the other and the realization that it is more common than anyone could ever imagine.

I can only speak for my own experience, and so that is what I draw upon here. I play off any insinuation that we might be 'trying to conceive.' I lie and I'm not a liar and I'm not proud of it. However, if I open the dam, the flood waters will spill over and I don't know if I have the strength to deal with that or the desire. My common answer is that 'we are always in negotiations' when it comes to children because that is easier than letting strangers, friends and even family know the truth. A truth that hurts even in the darkest corners of my soul. How did I get diagnosed with Thyroid issues? Oh, I asked my doctor about not being able to lose weight, or I had some irregular menstrual cycles or during some routine blood work it was discovered.... the list goes on and on and on and on and on.

I am part of the secret society of women that dream, desire, try, try, try and try again, cry, wonder, worry, wait, cry, limit myself to certain positions and 20 minutes of immobility, think about, research, test early, cry, rely on faith and try to remain optimistic in a wavering world of uncontrollable forces.

But my words like silent raindrops fell, and echoed, in the wells of silence...

2008-10-03T22:02:00.003-04:00

Aunt Flo arrived.

And sometimes even music cannot substitute for tears...

2008-10-03T21:31:00.003-04:00

It is with the heaviest heart, I can remember, that I write these words tonight.

A good friend (not previously mentioned in these posts) has suffered a most tragic loss. After 7 months of trying to conceive, she phoned me several months back to let me know they were pregnant. They had decided to wait until she was 12 weeks along to tell everyone but wanted to tell me as we had shared similar struggles over the past months and she wanted me to know.

Regardless, they are the dearest friends in the world and while no one deserves this pain, they definitely don't deserve this pain. It's times like this that I wish I had super hero or clairvoyant powers where I could prevent those I love from suffering.

She gave birth to a 17 week old baby boy this morning...and my heart breaks for them.

I cannot even begin to fathom the pain and sadness that they have felt over the past 24 hours and that will follow them forever.

I know that no one sees this blog, but in case you do...please say a prayer for those who suffer the greatest loss in the world...the loss of a child.

There are no words, no actions and no wishes that can comfort.

If I have weaknesses, don't let them blind me now...

2008-09-25T22:32:00.003-04:00

Things are slowly getting back into routine for me. Life goes on...wake up, work, make dinner, play with the puppy, enjoy time with Mr. CI, watch some tv....go to bed.

I go back to the GP on October 10 to have my blood work redone so I can check and measure my TSH levels to see if they are 'regulating.' Depending upon what the outcome is of these tests, my doctor will then reassess my current level of Synthroid to continue progressing.

Chances are, until my TSH level regulates, we will not be able to conceive. And, even then, we may still not be able to conceive.

I'm trying to keep the faith in the midst of all the darkness looming in the air.

Like emptiness and harmony, I need someone to comfort me...

2008-09-23T22:28:00.003-04:00

So, there has been a noticeable pause in my posts. To recap the last 10 days...as follows.

Mr. CI and I go to watch our favorite football team lose...again...in the middle of Ike passing through a midwest city and wreaking all kinds of havoc. We return home to see our power out, and multiple tree branches scattering our backyard, on our neighbor's fence and on our other neighbor's car. All neighbors were pleasant, 'understood it wasn't any one's fault' and we promised to call our Insurance agent in the morning.

Monday morning--call insurance agent and find out that due to an 'act of God' all parties with damage are responsible to submit claims to their insurance companies. Neighbor with fence accepts...neighbor with car does not accept.

Since then, I've been yelled at to 'get the fuck off' their property between our driveways and someone has thus since taken a sharp metal object to our new back door....one new security system and police report later...here I am. What a week.

On top of all of this, I had a business trip to Denver and a fertile ovulation monitor---so net, we only got 2 'attempts' in which is far less than I would have liked. I am aware that this last sentence is my fault. However, I take no responsibility for the other three paragraphs.

My two week wait will actually be more like a four week wait...until we can try again.

2008-09-12T22:15:00.004-04:00

You know I don't find this stuff amusing anymore...

2008-09-11T21:03:00.006-04:00

Sometimes I wonder who I royally pissed off in the baby pool.

Let the Baby Making Begin...Again

2008-09-10T22:16:00.004-04:00

On Your Mark, Get Set...GO!

I've officially informed my HB (husband) that we are T-minus 5 days until the conceiving sessions officially begin again for September!! According to my CBFM (Clear Blue Fertility Monitor) I am on Day 5 of my cycle--so even though Day 10 is a bit ambitious, I am eager to get back on the 'horse' after taking a few months off to tend to my thyroid issues. I doubt that my TSH level has normalized at this point, so I'm anticipating another 'negative' this month but I do refuse to let the 'window' pass without at least trying.

It's amazing how obsessive it can make one. The HB and I make a point each month to be spontaneous and ensure that things are not 'forced' in anyway (as it can become routine after a while) but we do have moments where neither one of us is 'into it.' That sucks...especially when it is during 'the window.'

Sometimes I think I might be just as bad and possibly worse than pregnant women. I'm kind of like a pregnant woman, all I can think about at times is my inability to conceive a child but I guess the difference is that I don't talk about it with the world--I keep it to myself and you of course. :)

Darn Thyroid Malfunctioning

2008-09-10T22:10:00.002-04:00

So, my uneventful trip to the doctor’s office started with a 50 minute wait and a minute appointment. Dr. R. prescribed generic Synthroid for me (75 nmg) and I started taking the medicine last Saturday. I was given the big green light from both Dr. R. and Sue to baby dance away to our hearts delight and keep TTC. So, in the words of lesser eloquent individuals, ‘Game On.’

So, after a week of medication, I haven’t really noticed any difference in anything. Part of the problem could be because I got awful sick this week with a sinus infection--which resulted in a second trip to the doctor to get some antibiotics and nasal spray. Just when I start to feel better, my BFF AF comes to visit. I guess the positive in this is that it came on day 29--so at least it is a regular cycle. We’ll wait another 13 days to start trying again.

I go back and forth with being emotional over this. It’s hard to understand, rationalize and of course have hope. I do have hope that we will one day have our own healthy children but it is of course so hard to be in the midst of trying and wanting.

What is it about some women that the minute they get pregnant, they lose all essence of their identity and the only thing they can talk about is being pregnant? Part of me reconciles this by thinking that one day, when we are blessed to get pregnant, it will consume us as well, especially as the ‘true miracle’ and wait we have had.

Is it wrong to want something so bad? My mother-in-law said one of the most poignant things ever on the eve of my wedding day. She said, “having a child is the only time you love someone before you meet them,” and it’s this feeling that I want to have.

My Sob Story Starts Here

2008-09-10T22:07:00.002-04:00

So, it has been a year now since we have been trying to conceive. We have tried everything and I mean everything. We did it every day, every other day, every few days, and so on and so on. It was ridiculous. We used ovulation predictor kits, clearblue fertility monitor, EWCM detection and just ‘gut’ checks.

It is hard because we want this so bad but there is nothing we can do...this is the first time that I feel helpless because I don’t have control over my destiny. It has been a really rough year in the sense that of trying, hoping, praying, waiting and then being disappointed. I’ve tracked every period and obsessed over things from the consistency and amount of ewcm to deciphering the distinct hues between a positive and a negative. I haven’t kept track of the amount of money we have spent on this endeavor but I can only imagine that it is in the upper 100’s which makes me shudder...but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything.

It is really stressful to go through this--the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. Loving each other and making sure each time continues to be an expression of love rather than an act of conception. Wondering what could be wrong, what is wrong and asking God for guidance.

Faith has got me through this most difficult time. It is so hard not to feel sad when everywhere you look you see pregnant women or hear about women becoming pregnant. It’s not jealousy by any means, I have been extremely happy and thrilled for everyone that it has happened to. But it is hard to want something so badly and not being able to get it but see it happen for everyone else. You start doubting everything and everyone. However, my faith has carried me along the way, even when I didn’t think I could go any further.

I keep telling myself that God has a path for me. He has a destiny for me and I pray every night that I continue to follow the path that he has laid out for me. I tell myself that each ‘egg’ is a possible child and that this is why we are all so special because we are chosen to become who we do. Each month it doesn’t happen is because that ‘egg’ wasn’t been to be our child. God has a purpose and he has a reason for us to wait.

I prayed to God last month to give me a sign, something to help me know what I may be doing wrong or what I may need to do to enable us to conceive. I do feel that I got my answer. My menstrual cycle was AWFUL last month and then to top it off---I received my period again just two weeks later. Very strange for a girl who has always had a normal cycle. So, I called the doctor, explained my situation and she set up a consultation for me to see a doctor about infertility.

The doctor I saw told me about the first step, a HSG test that sounds both painful and uncomfortable at the same time. Prior to that, she said I needed blood work to look at my Prolactin level and Thyroid function. Well, after a fun experience giving blood, the doctor called to tell me my TSH (thryoid) level is high.

This means that I have an under active thyroid. This could be the cause of my fertility problems. After reviewing the symptoms, it seems like I probably, definitely have this as an issue. She told me to get this treated before seeing a reproductive specialist. So, tomorrow I’m off to Dr. Roberts to talk through possible treatment, etc.

Hopefully, fixing this will help ‘solve’ the problem and bring us a beautiful, healthy baby. I’ve prayed almost every night for God to bless us with healthy children. More likely than not, women with high TSH levels cannot conceive, but the risks of conceiving with high TSH levels are birth defects and mental retardation. Perhaps God was keeping us from conceiving so we wouldn’t bring a child into this world that would suffer. I could never forgive myself if a child suffered because of something that I could have ‘fixed’ in myself. So, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. Faith...like I’ve said, it keeps me going on.

I’m hoping for some good news tomorrow and to begin treatment soon. Apparently, I will probably need to take medicine for the rest of my life---but I can definitely handle that.

Wish me luck and keep faith.